Back To December || Aaron Hotchner

Chapter 44 - Taylor

I am slowly picking up my pieces and getting back to a normal pace. I miss my mom a lot, and I know she would want us to get back up because life goes on, as she said. I am trying my best.

However, she wouldn't be happy to see my and my brother fighting again. As soon as Aaron left Chicago, Austin found his old self again. He called me all the things he couldn't say when Aaron was around, and whatever else he was keeping in since Christmas. But I don't care anymore. The moment I left Chicago, I blocked him from everything and cut all contact. I continue to speak with my sister-in-law though, she agreed to bring the little ones by once in a while. I still can't understand why she is putting up with his childish behavior...

Aaron has been by my side for all of it. The waves of sadness, the random crying in the middle of day and night, the anxiety about my new job. I have gotten so used to confiding to him when things are hard. He always knows what to say and whenever I am with him everything complicated becomes simple.

I can't wait to officially move in with him. Some might say that 5 months is early to take such a step but I don't see a reason to wait anymore. We've basically been living in the same hotel rooms every night during cases while I worked in the BAU. This is going to be good for us.

At first, we were having trouble deciding where to move; Aaron was saying his place, I was saying mine. So we had to start looking outside. About two weeks later we found a wonderful penthouse in Arlington, VA. Big living room and kitchen area, 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, additional private roof terrace, and a breathtaking view of the Potomac River some blocks away.

We were very lucky to find such a diamond so quickly. I'd like to think this is a good sign. I am absolutely in love with this place. Maybe a bit less than I love Aaron.

Today is the first Saturday that we have together in a very long time. Therefore, we decided to take advantage of the weekend and finally clean out my apartment. Most of my things are already in the new place but I have a few more boxes to fill.

"First!" I announce as I leave my last box besides the door. "You remember the bet, Aaron. You are buying lunch and coffee" I remind him.

I wait but I don't hear a response from him. Worried I walk to my room to find him. "Aaron..." I breathe out as I notice the paper he is holding and the tears in his eyes.

He clears his throat and tries to blink them away. "I was finishing up with the closet as you told me and I found this. I am sorry if you didn't want me to read it but I--"

"It's ok" I say. I sit on the floor with him and I lean on him. He wraps his arm around me and pulls me closer. He rests his other arm on his knee as he holds up the handwritten letter he found. It is my old suicide note...

•

I am sorry. I can't take it anymore. This is too much for me. I know I've gotten myself in this mess but I can't see a way out. I am sorry. I try to seem tough, but I am not. I really tried, and I don't want to disappoint you again.

JJ, you will probably be the one to find this first. I am sorry. You don't deserve to go through this again but I just can't keep going. You are the best support I could ever ask for during this time. You did more than enough for me and I will be grateful forever. Our fight will not be the last thing I will remember from you. You are way more than that. We both said some nasty things during that fight. Maybe I needed to hear the hard truth. You were right like always. I can't keep my life together, but at least I won't be a burden to you anymore. I am not mad at you or blame you. I love you. I will look out for you from up there and I will tell Roslyn how much you love and miss her.