Back To December || Aaron Hotchner

Chapter 38 - Aaron

I can't even begin to imagine how Taylor feels right now. Management's decision yesterday was extremely unfair and I hate that I can't do anything about it. It is final and signatures are already on, they said.

Taylor emptied out 6 rounds in the shooting range, and never missed a shot. I'm just glad she was aiming at the target sheets and not Foster's head. So, I let her take her anger out on them and then she melted.

I spend the night with her. We ordered take out and watched her favorite sitcom. She chuckled at most jokes, and laughed at one. She is making me like sitcoms.

She fell asleep on me right there and I didn't dare to move. The night was quiet. And when she woke up in the morning, she was acting like nothing happened. She was back, but I could see her light was fading.

She didn't let me begin a conversation about yesterday's events. We went to work, traveled for another case, and she did good like always. But all day, she looked unmotivated. It felt like she was on autopilot. Even when we crashed in the hotel, she said she was tired and went straight to her own room.

I am afraid that she is shutting me out. So, I decide to call the one person who knows her better than anyone else.

"Hello?"

"Hello, JJ. I am really sorry for calling you this late at night, but I need your advice"

"Isn't Tay covering the case?" she asks

"Yes, she is. This isn't about the case, it is about Taylor herself. Have you talked to her since yesterday?"

"No. What did you do, Aaron?"

"I didn't do anything. She... They gave the promotion to Foster for ridiculous reasons, and when Taylor found out she emptied 6 rounds in the shooting range out of anger. Then she softened a bit, but now I think that she is pushing me away and I am worried. I want to help, but I don't know how" I explain

"Yeah... She is shutting you out. When something bad happens, first she gets angry, and then she starts isolating from everyone around her, because she doesn't want anyone to see the damage. She doesn't like being vulnerable, especially when she is really hurting. But it is eating her from the inside and we have to stop it before it gets too far"

"How do I do that?"

"Go there and stay even if she is kicking you out. She needs to have someone with her to remind her that it is ok to fail. If she closes and she doesn't have anyone to vent and pour her feelings to, she will drown them in alcohol. Do you understand?"

"Yes".

"Do I need to fly there?"

"No, I got it"

"Keep me updated"

"I will. Thank you".

I hung up and I go to Taylor's room. I knock and wait. She doesn't answer. I pick up my phone again.

"I know you are inside so open before I kick the damn door down" I text her.

Within a few seconds, I hear the door unlock and I let myself in before she can slam the door in my face.

"I am not in the mood for sex right now" she says

"Then good thing I am not here for that. Did you eat anything today?"

"I told you I want to be alone--"

"I heard you. But I don't think you meant it"

"I really did. Now, leave" she argues

"No"

She scoffs "Then I am leaving. And tomorrow I am reporting you for inappropriate behavior"

"Taylor" I step in front of the door, blocking her way. "Let's not play the avoidance game. You just got your 17 years sobriety chip, I want to make sure you keep it"

"Oh, so you don't trust me now?"

"You know exactly what I meant. I am not letting you push me or walk away. This is not how it works with me. Got it?".

She rolls her eyes. "What do you want from me? To cry and run up to you?"

"If you have to, sure. Yell at me. Hit me. Cry on me. I don't care. I am not going anywhere until I am sure you are good".

"Good... And what is good to you? Tell me so I get it over with"

"It doesn't work like that".

She shakes her head and sits down on the bed. "What do you want me to say? That I failed? I failed, Aaron. I did everything right, yet I failed because of a factor I can't control. So excuse me if I am a little mad about it. I get to be"

"Of course you do. Hell, I am mad for you too. But you don't get to pull away from me because of that".

I make my way to the bed and sit besides her. She lets me take her hand in mind.

"We can't control everything in life. In fact we can control very little. Failure is a natural phenomenon. We've all been through it, some more than others, and we will probably go through it again and again. So, we don't have to hide it or be scared we'll be judged for it. It doesn't undervalue us. We usually learn things from it that makes us better".

"And what am I supposed to learn from this one?" she asks sounding totally defeated. "This is not just about the promotion, Aaron. I understand that you want to help, but you just don't get it"

"I am trying to" I admit.

"Have you ever lost a position because of your gender? Have you ever felt unseen in a meeting because of your gender? Have you ever been told that you owe them something in return for your own success? Have you ever been called too mouthy? Have you ever been overlooked by a coworker or the people we meet at cases everyday? Have you ever been stalked after a rejection? Have you ever been scared to walk alone at night because you weren't sure if the road was too dark? Have you ever hesitated to wear something because it might get you hurt?".

A tear falls from her eye and lands on her lap. She takes in a deep breath and wipes its remains. Her hand is shaking as she is holding mine.

"Yesterday was the last straw. I hate this world. And most of all I hate men" she says, clearly exhausted and drained.
"No offense" she adds

"Non taken. I appreciate you being honest" I reassure her.

"I just can't believe how unfair it all is right now" her voice shakes.

I move closer to her and drive her head on my shoulder. She doesn't resist and relaxes against me. I wrap my arm around her and rub her back.

"Yes, the world is terrible, we see that everyday. But you have survived 36 years and gotten yourself where you are today. Nothing has stopped you. This one was just a miss. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Maybe something better will come of it. We'll see. We just have to wait it out a little bit" I say trying to make her feel better.

"I will feel upset about it for some time" she warns

"You have every right to be upset. I am never going to be mad at you for that, no matter how little the issue is. But I am going to be mad if you try to push me away again".

She smiles and takes my hand again.
"I love you, Aaron" she breathes out.

And my heart explodes. "I love you too, Taylor" I reply rubbing her hand.

She lifts her head from my shoulder for a moment and I kiss her. "How about we go to sleep now? I am hearing your boss wants you up really early tomorrow" I tease her

"He does" she chuckles. "I guess there are more serious problems in the world right now, like a murder series. I am not the center of the universe" she speaks as we get under the covers

"You are for me" I admit as I pull her closer to me.