Back To December || Aaron Hotchner

Chapter 41 - Taylor

This morning went from one of the greatest moments in my career to one of the worst moments of my life. Three hours ago, my sister called me to tell me that mom passed away this morning in the hospital. Now, I am on a flight to Chicago with Aaron.

Within the hour, he dropped everything, sent the BAU away on the case, wrote a leave of absence for each of us, submitted it, booked us a flight to Chicago, grabbed my go-bag from my office, and took us to the airport. Meanwhile, I sat there frozen. There is a huge hole in my gut. My brain is fogged, and it's like I don't know anything anymore.

My mom was sick and I had no idea. According to my sister, mom was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer 6 months ago. But she didn't tell anyone. Looking back, the diagnosis was around the time she started begging me to go home for Christmas. She knew this would be her last time to have all of us there. Yet, she appeared as good and happy as ever.

"I missed it..." is the first thing I say in hours

Aaron squeezes my hand "What did you miss?" he asks.

"Mom, I love you and appreciate you. But we can't do that. They don't know about me and Aaron, and we plan on keeping it that way until I am away from their unit. We don't want to cause problems. Do you understand?" I explain to her

"Oh... I am so sorry, Taylor"

"It's alright. Just don't do that again, ok? That means that you don't know Aaron when the others are around. And you better be good at hiding it because they literally read emotions"

"Don't worry about that, I'm good at it" she replies

"What is that supposed to mean?" I laugh. A knock on the door interrupts her from responding.

"January 2nd, we were working on the bodies from the lake and she showed up at the station. When I told her she better be good at hiding things, she replied 'don't worry about that, I'm good at it'. I should have--"

"There was no way you could have known, Taylor" Aaron reassures me

"I should have asked--"

"She wouldn't have told you and you know that" he reminds me.

He is right. If she decided she didn't want to tell us, she wouldn't have unless we found out ourselves. She is-- was stubborn and never wanted to worry us, let alone ask for help.

"This wasn't fair. We should have had time to say goodbye" my voice shakes as the pain in my chest grows

"I am so sorry" Aaron says and does his best to remind me that he is with me all the way. I want him here.

But the only person I need right now is my mom. How can she be gone? How-- She was always there, and now she isn't. Did I tell her I love her last time we spoke? Did I hug her extra tight after Christmas? Did I let her kiss my cheek or did I complain again? The house is going to be so empty without her there... Just the thought of it makes me start crying. Everything reminds me of her and makes me cry.

Walking up to the entrance of the house was a challenge too. I didn't want to go in, because her absence would confirm the event. So, I wanted to leave far far away. But there was nowhere to go to feel better. She wasn't going to be anywhere.

I sat on the porch for an hour debating if I should go in or not. My sister came from inside but I ignored her. Aaron told her that I need a moment and she went back inside. He stayed with me and kept silent as the tiniest sobs escaped my lips. I can't tell if he actually knows what to do or is as lost as I am right now. Sure, he lost his dad but they never had a good relationship. He mourned a relationship that could have been, not actual memories.

"Aaron..." I whisper

He almost jumps "Yes?" he squeezes my hand a little tighter

"You should visit your mom more" a sob interrupts me

"This is not the time to talk about me" he says softly

"You two will fix your complicated relationship eventually, I know it. And you will visit her more because she is lonely. Invite her in or take her out for coffee or dinner once in a while. Call her at least twice a week to check on her. Don't cut her goodbye hugs short because you are in a hurry. Tell her you love her with every opportunity. Because you still can... You can complain all you want -everyone complains about their parents-, but at the end of the day be thankful you have one more day with them" I say as tears roll down my cheeks

"I will, love. I will" he pulls me in his arms and I start crying again.

"I was going to call her and tell her my good news if my sister hadn't called.  She knew how much I wanted it but now she won't get to see me in the White House. She always called me when she saw talk in press conferences on TV or YouTube. She would tell me how good I spoke and looked, even when I was describing a serial killer. And I would always rush the call because I had to go back to work. I treated her horribly"

"No, don't say that. She was proud of you, she admired and loved you. And she would hate for you to feel this way now" he explains as he rubs my back.

He is probably right, but that doesn't comfort me at the moment. I stare at the driveway as I rest my head on his shoulder. Memories of all the games we used to play, and my mom taking the role of a nurse at every injury or scratch come back to my mind.

"At one of my sister's first times riding a bike, she ran over mom's foot and then fell. Ruth had a scratch on her arm and mom comforted her, carried her inside, pretended to clean and bandage her arm even though there was not a single drop of blood. It turns out, Ruth broke two of mom's toes that day but she didn't even flinch while taking care of her..."

"So, she was hiding her pain for all of you from early on..." Aaron points out

"I guess she was... I don't like being left in the dark, Aaron. I don't like surprises in my personal life, I get enough of them at work"

"And you are about to get even more at work" he says and kisses my head. "But you don't have to worry about me, ok? I'm an open book for you"

"Thank you".

"What do you say, we go inside?" he suggests

"Don't leave me alone for a second"

"I wasn't planning to".

He holds my hand as we stand up. I squeeze his hand tighter than ever as we open the door and walk inside. Everyone is already there, looking like a mess. It is even sadder than I imagined. I don't want to be here.

Family members come to talk to me and hug me, and suddenly I freeze. My whole body aches but there is no hint of emotion in my face. I let them greet me, hug me, whatever they want until they walk away from me.

"I don't want to be here" I whisper to Aaron as soon as I find a second

"Let's go" he replies immediately and takes me outside. The moment fresh air hits my face, I can breathe again. We get in the car and he just drives.