The Last Chicane

Decisions

This whole chapter is Blake's internal monologue

Love, Lottie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So. What's it gonna be Blake?" Carlos' words keep ringing in my head.

What is it gonna be?

My mind was spinning at this point thinking about all of the outcomes and possibilities.

Do I keep myself and Charles safe by staying away from him and out his world? Or do I dive in head first because he's worth it?

I'm worried about how this is going to affect my job. I know that I said I am burnt out with nursing. But I still need to be able to support myself. There is no way I could let Charles support me, not that he has offered. Max offered a while back, but I could never let him do that for me.

What if the media shows up at my job?

Would I even be able keep my job if we got back together?

Would I even want to keep my job if we got back together?

The long distance makes everything so complicated and difficult. And with me not being able to take off all of the time and with his busy schedule, would we even be able to see each other?

That's not how relationships are supposed to work.

Oh no. What if he doesn't want to get back together? That thought alone makes me want to throw up.

I know I hurt him when I broke up with him. But I did it to protect him. Alex has done enough damage and I don't want her having that kind of control over his life.

But on the flip side of that... When do I get to be happy? Why is it me that always has to sacrifice? I'm sure that Alex would just leave him alone if we announced our relationship. I mean, if we take the story away from her, she can't hold that over our heads right?

What am I even talking about. Why should I even care about what Alex or the media says? Why do I let others have so much control over my life?

I love him. I love Charles Marc Hervé Perceval Leclerc. I am in love with him.

Why am I putting both of us through this? I do want to protect him, but I also want us to be happy. He deserves to be happy. I deserve to be happy too.

I am tired of letting other people control my life. If I lose my job, fine. I haven't been in love with my job in quite a while. It's draining the life out of me. But what, or should I say who, gives me life, is Charles. He brings so much joy and adventure to my life.

I know that I have absolutely no idea what I am doing in his world. The race weekends, the paddock outfits, the media. All of it is unfamiliar to me. But I really feel like I could learn. If I can keep people alive every single day, surely I can figure this whole Formula 1 thing out.

I think I should at least try to keep my job. I know it will probably get complicated and I will more than likely get fired, but I have to at least try. I can go to every race weekend that I'm off. I should have enough money saved for that. I had been saving and investing my money since before my parents kicked me out.

I'm not sure what job I would get if I left my job. But I could figure that out when we get there.

I only know three things.

I love him.

I want to be with him.

Aut viam inventam aut faciam. (I shall either find a way or make one.)

Alex- game on.