Unfunny Tfp Oneshots/Bloopers

Idioms and Idiots

I wrote these completely myself so if they're bad please don't murder me.

Wheeljack: You son of a glitch, fragging slaghelmed carrierfragger-
June: HEY! fishes a bar of soap from her bag, somehow, and throws it at him.
June: Eat it. (Walks off, not expecting him to actually eat it.)
Wheeljack: takes a small bite, grimaces, and chews very slowly. All in complete confusion.
June: turns round What the actual fck are you doing??? Don't actually eat it???
Wheeljack: more confused than ever

Raf: Jee it's raining cats and dogs outside...
Bumblebee: visibly excited WHAT???
Raf: confused
Bumblebee: excitement turns to horror WAIT THEY'RE FALLING OUT OF THE SKY? NO THEY'RE DYING!
Raf: Bee... its not... its not raining animals-

Miko: I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.
Bulkhead: Eat a horse? Humans eat horses?
Miko: Uh no
Bulkhead: concerned then why do you want to eat a horse

Ultra Magnus: clears throat Agent Fowler, Sir?
Fowler: hm? Oh Uh yeah. What?
Magnus: I had a question.
Fowler: Okay?
Magnus: ... how do I get a kilt?
Fowler: Five seconds of processing time I'm sorry?
Magnus: A-
Fowler: You want to wear a kilt?
Magnus: Well... for the mission you sa-
Fowler: I don't think they make any in your size

Arcee: Well, get a doctor to build a house in three weeks.
Jack: What????
Arcee: Get a doctor, to build a house, in three weeks.
Jack: I don't follow
Arcee: What do you mean?
Jack: That doesn't make sense
Arcee: It's an expression.
Jack: A Cybertronian one.
Arcee: Oh.

Kids: The rendezvous point is at-
Ratchet: Repeat that.
Kids: ...the rendezvous point-
Ratchet: Why did you say it twice.
Kids: Ratchet please don't
Ratchet: For humans you really aren't good at human languages.
Kids: Ratchet Wheeljack is bleeding out please just-
Ratchet: Good

Smokescreen: Don't look a gift horse in its mouth!
Jack: Huh?
Smokescreen: I looked up English sayings so I can understand the YOUTH
Jack: I've never heard that in my life.
Smokescreen: It was one of them on there! English Idioms!
Jack: Was it in English?
Smokescreen: no

Miko: Woah, the cons are evil!
Optimus, immediately: Don't eat rust you'll die.
Miko: Wh- what does that have to do with what I said?
Optimus: It's a saying.
Miko: How does eating rust have anything to do with the Decepticons?
Ratchet: Is there a problem?
Miko: I was just saying that the Decepticons are evil!
Ratchet: *scoffs* Don't eat rust or you'll die.
Miko: ...

Bumblebee: Can we get a dog?
Optimus: No.
Bumblebee: But-
Optimus: We're not getting a dog.
Bumblebee: Raf has a dog.
Optimus: Raf is a human.
Bumblebee: But-
Raf: What's that about a dog?
Bumblebee: Speak of the devil!
Optimus, visibly unsettled: What?? Unicron is here??
Raf: uh
Bumblebee: the only way to get rid of him is to get a dog.

*On a mission*
Bulkhead: What are we going to
do about the Decepticons following us to the relic?
Arcee: We'll burn that bridge when we get to it.
Raf: You mean 'Cross that bridge'?
Arcee: No. I mean burn it. That's why I said it.
Bulkhead: What bridge?

Wheeljack: Fragging hell, how could anything be worse than getting tortured for information you don't have?
Shockwave: Don't test me, you'll go out of the frying pan and into the fire.
Wheeljack: I'm too tired to give a slag about what the frag that means.

Ratchet: You need to drink more energon, you're wasting away! It's dangerous to not fuel and as a doctor I cannot let you do this to yourself.
Arcee, sarcastically: Hey, Pot! Fancy seeing you here, kettle!
Ratchet: Stop talking to those fragging humans.