Unfunny Tfp Oneshots/Bloopers

Wheeljack × Ultra Magnus

This was written at 30 minutes past midnight so I cannot take any responsibility for anything I have written in this chapter. It also will suck so... be warned.

When Ultra Magnus told Wheeljack he wanted to discuss his ship, - 'The Iron Will'- Wheeljack thought he meant a brief five minute run down on how she was putting up.

When Ultra Magnus told Wheeljack he wanted to discuss his ship -'The Iron Will'- he thought it would be a quick engine check up and nothing more. Like 10 minutes max. (because being in the same room as Wheeljack for any longer drives him insane.)

Yet here they are, three hours later, with no sign of being anywhere close to done.

It turns out that Wheeljack has a knack for info-dumping facts about anything to do with ships, The Iron Will included.
It's been an hour.
He hasn't even finished talking about the outside armour yet.

Ultra Magnus stands awkwardly as Wheeljack continues talking faster than a seeker can fly, wishing there was somewhere to sit. His joints were starting to ache from being tensed for so long. He yawned quietly, a habit cybertronians didn't even need to do. It was something he had managed to pick up from the humans.
Despite all this, he wasn't bored. Oh no, he wasn't bored the slightest tiny bit. If Wheeljack was the hyper kid let loose in a candy store, Ultra Magnus was the guy that received all the money spent. In other words, Ultra Magnus was hooked.

It was a good thing that Wheeljack was so busy explaining the state of the welding keeping the ship together that he didn't notice how intently Ultra Magnus was staring, 'cuz if he did notice it would get very awkward very quickly. Ultra Magnus looked like a Taylor Swift fan that had just gotten hugged by Taylor Swift. He was staring, wide optics, massive grin, extremely star struck look, and even leaning forward to hear better.
Wheeljack -on the other hand- was pacing around, waving his servos ecstatically around, rapidly speaking Cybertronian with a similar grin plastered all over his face.

If anyone had walked in and seen them both, they would leave very, VERY confused. (And scarred for life because jeez Mags you look scary when you smile.)
Unfortunately, someone did walk in. This person being Raf.

(Now before I continue, I'd like to pay my respects to Rafs now-dead mental health. I love you Raf, and I am very sorry that you have to witness this nightmare.)

"Ok so, we've gotten mostly to the end of the durability of her armour. There's still some stuff left but nobody wants to hear all that cuz we'll be here for ages so ima move onto the sustainability for a sec cuz it'll only take like 30 ticks. Anyway so, you know what sustainability is right?"
Ultra Magnus didn't answer for a few seconds, fortunately snapping out of his entranced stare before Wheeljack glanced over.
"Uh- uhm- yes!"
"..."
"..."
"..."
"No..."
Wheeljack shrugged and went back to pacing, immedietly spurting out definitions and other scrap at the speed of light:
"S'alright, so Sustainability right? It's basically how easy to replace a material is. Like if there was a tree, yaknow what trees are right?"
Wheeljack turns to Ultra Magnus and gives him the most shit-eating grin the commander had ever seen in his life. Which was impressive considering Ultra Magnus had grown up with Orion.
"..."
Wheeljack continued grinning, not noticing a human stood in the corner of the room.
Ultra Magnus stared, unimpressed for a few seconds before sighing and giving in.
"Yes I know what a tree is."
"Great! So if that tree needs a trillion years to grow big enough to be used, then it's not sustainable cuz you can't get new materials quick enough when you run out. Imagine waiting a trillion years cuz someone used all the tree up. The ships not sustainable either cuz it needs so much Iron that it would take years of mining to make the metal. Ya get that?"

Ultra Magnus narrowed his optics at Wheeljack, wondering if he was making fun of him. Seeing Wheeljacks completely blank face, as if he was an automated robot waiting for his next command word, Ultra Magnus relaxed again.
"So I would have to mine constantly in Earth?" He asked.
"Yep, it would kill loads of humans too because they got a whole load of people living off of those jobs too."
"Yes, amazing, kill the humans." Ultra Magnus muttered, not seeing Raf turn to him with fear on his face.
"If ya wanna kill 'em you should do it with toxic crystals, humans love shiny things."
"Right, give Miko a shiny rock with poison on it." Ultra Magnus wasn't sure why he was saying this, maybe it was the talking about metal plates for an hour non-stop.
Raf stared in shock, having only understood half that conversation. Despite learning Cybertronian, Wheeljack was speaking far too quickly for Raf to keep up. Besides, the atrocious use of slang words would render it close to impossible to translate perfectly into English. (Hence the grammatically incorrect sentences and lack of Slang in English.)
"Oh Miko loves shiny stuff, Jack likes motorcycles. If you give him something that has anything to do with them he'll go insane."
"Ok, so I need to give Miko toxic shiny rocks and Jack an exploding motorcycle. Simple."
Raf was tempted to run away at this point. Ultra Magnus was threatening the lives of his friends??? And WHEELJACK was apparently in on killing Miko too?

Wheeljack continued on, ignoring Ultra Magnus' plans to murder the humans.
"Oh and Raf loves computers, 'specially hacking. That kid can hack just as good as 'Wave."
"So I don't need to kill Raf, I just need to get him arrested for hacking."
Raf flinched at the sound of his name and backed away slowly.
"Oh Miko likes Dragons too. Did ya know that humans have weird creatures called Unicorns, like Unicron but the letters are the wrong way round. They have a weird chant, 'Pink fluffy Unicorns dancing on Rainbows or some scrap."
"... Pink Fluffy Unicorns dancing on rainbows?"
That was enough for Raf, he started to turn and run away, probably to get his emotional support cars
(Bee and Smokes.)
He didn't get very far.
"Nevermind, I have the perfect plan to kill Raf."
Raf froze.
Ultra Magnus was smiling, unsure as to why he was doing this. Maybe it was some form of venting?? Who knows, certaintly not him.

"Ok."
That has got to be the shortest sentence Wheeljack had said in about three hours.
"Well- actually nevermind."
Wheeljack frowned and then shrugged.
"Whatever, anyway I wanna talk about the ship again. Right, weaponry is next because it's cool as frag. Basically, your guns are in perfect condition and that'll be good and bad for when you're in battle."
"Maybe I could use some target practice then, test the guns and-"
"You're a pretty good shot already though Mags."
Ultra Magnus stopped and looked at Wheeljack.
"What did you just call me?"
Raf was still frozen, currently being extremely traumatised.
"Mags."
"Why does that sound so much better with a Cybertronian accent?"
"...cuz it does!"
That may be the first thing Wheeljack has said in English for at least two hours.

"Maybe you're in love with me Mags." Wheeljack says with a smirk somehow not noticing the gasp coming from Raf.
"Hm." Was all Ultra Magnus said in return.
Wheeljack grinned at him and walked closer.
Raf slapped his hands over his face but peeked through them anyways.
"Well Cheif? Is it true?" Wheeljack teased, standing on his toes in an attempt to look less short.
"Hm."
Wheeljack raised an eyebrow ridge at the commander.
"Is that all you have to say? Hm?"
"Hm."
"I'm gonna kiss you if you say that again."
"... that's improper."
"What are you gonna do about it though? Throw me in the non-existent brig?"
"..."
"..."
"...hm."

Wheeljack paused, staring up at Ultra Magnus for a few seconds.
Raf took this as a chance to leave before he has to find bleach.

Ultra Magnus looked down,
"I thought you were supposed to be true to your wor-"
He was cut off as Wheeljack reached up and pulled his face down. Ultra Magnus stiffened as his mouth met Wheeljacks, but immedietly relaxed as peace spread throughout him. His mind was screaming at him to stop, that this was just because he was tired and distracted. Maybe he was. But that wasn't stopping him from kissing back.

Wheeljack smiled and offlined his optics, wrapping his arms around Magnus' neck cables as he pulled him closer. Magnus did the same, venting out quietly as the pair back up into the side of The Iron Will. Ultra Magnus felt Wheeljacks tongue slip into his mouth and welcomed it, following suit and barely biting back a laugh as Wheeljack gasped and jolted slightly. They melted into each other and ignored their surroundings, something that would later make very awkward conversation. But nevermind.
Ultra Magnus vented heavily again, pressing Wheeljack hard into the metal behind him. Barely suppressing a much more inappropriate noise, Wheeljack onlines his optics and breaks away.
"Didn't know ya were a kisser Commander."
"So now you call me by my proper title."
"What, d'ya like it?"
"...no, call me Mags again."

Wheeljack grins and kisses him again, this time Ultra Magnus wastes no time and goes back to trapping the Wrecker against his ship.

An unsuspecting Ratchet walks towards the hangars door, absorbed in a datapad he was holding.
He walks out the doors, looking up just in time to see Wheeljack landing on the floor with a crash and Ultra Magnus looking extremely suspicious and very blue in the face.
Wheeljack frowns and looks at Magnus, his face showing annoyance.
Ratchet raises an eyebrow ridge and carries on, not wanting to be involved.
It's a good thing he didn't look back, because only ten seconds later the two were back at it again, clearly not having learnt their lesson the first time.

Sorry