i need to be new

December 8, 2024

I'm successful
I'll be happy
Like a place I made I can go back to if my head gets too overwhelming
Because it's sad
But I can't cry
I have mascara on

Like my father driving
How he fixes everything
How I copied him when I was a toddler
And now he's joking at the annoying boys

And my sister
I'll always love her
Us crying and hugging when it was time to leave
Like it's the last time and it won't be the same again
Me and her are the same
If I'm insecure so is she
About the same thing
If we're upset
It's about the same thing
I love her

These boys are just awkward
It wasn't til they made it
So I don't feel bad that I rejected him
It's not a big deal

Look how they mixed up the tables
We're all the single ladies together
And I'm happy about it
Y'all can slowdance later
I'm good
Eating fried rice like a happy vegetarian
While they eat steak
But they took my food
Because I sat against the window on the 42nd floor
With some girls who aren't my friends but barely
Because we're having fun with a camera
And I hit my head on a metal pole with all the aura in the world
You all sprinted to get your food because you had to wait so long
Ladies were first
It was dark out but our lights were on
And we didn't fall over, though the ground revolves

Why did I stress again?
I don't remember
This is fine
I don't have any pressure on me
I can't even find anyone
Walk upstairs
Stay with your sister so she isn't lost
Outside the door that flaps too much
And suddenly we're in Japan?

Let's start because why not
You better shut up
And dance with me
Dance with us
Look at us
Popping balloons so the glitter falls out
Why is the room so dark?
Look at the full-wall mirror
All the girls ran to the couch to take our heels off
We want to dance too
Jumping up and down
Our calves will burn in the morning
The songs play that remind me of you
And you ran away onto a balcony I hadn't seen
But came back to yell to Travis Scott
With all the guys
And the girls standing to the side so they don't get trampled
Because the guys are still wearing their shoes

And I found my friends
And we hold hands
And the girls help girls
When we run away from the men
Trying to dance
Spin me around
Because why are the guys so awkward
Because we never do things like this
It can be interpreted multiple ways
Let's avoid each other
Avoid the opposite gender

But that young man stands there with his arms folded watching with a small smile
Not the whole time
But why was he looking the whole time
I didn't expect to meet his eyes through a gap in the crowd of people

And we found the balcony
Me and my friends
The one with a cute camera
42 floors from the ground
The whole city laid out with its 5 tall buildings and all the low ones
All the lights on
Like we're watching the city from an airplane together
And it's a beautiful view
It's calming
We're separate
Like just watching the world
And he's standing against the building
In a chair next to the pool
I walked past him and ignored him
But it's so romantic out here
Nice little two-chair tables
A lot of room
The side of a building
Tall, empty
Like no one can really see us
And the pool is large
The night sky is larger
We feel true peace
The lights in the pool
It's blue
It's handsome
A murky bright
We're not talking
But he's so calm over there
Chilling like he's cool
And I'm staying out here just because he is
Keeping my eye on him so I know where he is, what he's doing
My friend gave me her half-drunk coke and walked away
So I'm sipping, I could use the caffeine
Five people drank out of it now
But it's a party
Now I'm jumping up and down waving my hand in the air
And it still hasn't spilled somehow
My friend jumped in the pool
But no one risked their life to grab the balloon on the edge of the building
We contemplated it
We said there are multiple kinds of coke
And I love my friends
Look how beautiful we all are
Happy to see everyone
All of us are gorgeous
Make sure to take pictures of me with my sister because this is the only time
And my mother isn't here to get them, to see us
You look lovely

And they call for everyone to go inside for slowdances
In the dark room
I feel nerves in my stomach as I put my drink down
Because I know I have to ask him
Because I need to dance with him to that song one more time
And last time I didn't ask when I wanted to
So this time I will
And it wasn't hard
We made eye contact
So I walked to him quickly
He had friends around him but they disappeared from my vision as soon as I said a word to him and I didn't see them again
Will you dance with me
And you nodded, a thoughtful nod
You smiled at me
I like when you smile at me
So you put your hand out for me
And I take it
And I'm probably blushing
You messed up the steps once or twice
A little nervous flush on you
And you asked where my shoes were
But you didn't hear my answer because everyone is yelling around us
You looked tall next to me
So when I elaborated
You put your ear close to me
And you heard me
But that was comfortable
I could stay like that
Happy because I don't even see anyone else
Because the one I'm normally watching is that close to me
Your fingers barely grasping my hip
I wasn't even thinking
Was I even nervous?
You, barely composed
But you somehow keep the aura you always have
And you're so sweet to me
Your thoughts pile on, that I can't see
I'm glad I can't
You can't see mine either
But we can guess enough
You're Japanese, but I forgot
And you have a name, but I forgot it
Because I just liked being with you
Too close to you is just close enough
To feel your presence
Like a blanket during winter
Because you have a glimmer in your eyes that they don't
And something warm in your chest that I feel
And who knows how you feel
You definitely had me wondering
Because the girls dance with girls and the boys with the boys
But it's nothing like this
Because this is right
And the crowd knows too
When they noticed us together
Looking like a couple
Drawing hearts in the air
Some awws
But why us?
There were others slowdancing
Everyone confused because we don't hang out
But most people don't just slowdance
And you got too embarrassed and you left
So that was that
And I was happy because I still got a dance from you
You said yes
I don't care if they noticed us
We went back to eyes from across the room
I still liked yours
And it wasn't awkward
Because why should it be?
But I hope I didn't embarrass you too much
You texted me afterward
Sorry, I should've danced more
You felt bad that you stopped mid-song
The song that says we're lovers
I'll always miss that song
But you always have to make me still more fond you

That's fine
I was a little treacherous
Find my friends instead at the end
Stay with them
Your nervous look
When you stood taking photos in the night outside a skyscraper
Waiting for the black car to pick you up
Talking to your friend on the marble ledge
And me and my girls have our heels back on
You always make me like you more
But the world doesn't bother me
I'll cry later
I'll say bye to you
You're the only one of you in the world
But there are other ones
Not you
But I don't need you
My friend said
Don't like him, he's not a good person
Most people aren't, honestly I'm probably not
Of course he's nicer to me
He lives right next to my house, I could walk there
Only a little desert

I pushed play on a song that was too far along on the queue
All my girlfriends screamed
But somehow they skipped it
I had to do that
Too small of a room not to
I knocked over someone's mocktail
Slow motion as it spilled everywhere delicately
Your friend staring at me
I definitely didn't just do that

You knocked over a chair once
Oh, why we put love songs on
We want to be close

Goodnight
I'll sleep and wake up to my legs burning
And the remembrance that I danced with you
And when I'm gone I still have music