February 10, 2025

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by absy_22k

by absy_22k

We should block each other
We shouldn't talk
He told me he didn't want anything serious
After we did serious stuff
Oops--
Because I've known him for years
Our families are friends
Are we so weak that we did that?
What is our problem?
What have I done?
Everyone did this after China
It broke us
Did my parents convince them that I didn't remember so they wouldn't feel an obligation to save me from what happened?
It's been five years now
That's half a decade
And I'll put earphones in when they speak of it still
Am I okay?
Yeah
Just confused
Except for the fact that I know all the answers
And I actually have people looking up to me now
All my siblings are looking at me like I'm not a failure
But I barely made it to fifteen
I have friends who support me
Except for the fact that they all judge me because my decisions are dumb a lot of the time
But I'm kind of reckless and I don't care
I have fun with it
Do I win anything?
Or do I just lose it all?
Do I want to keep my life?
Most of the time I didn't
But I am now obliged
I now love
But can I recover from what I did?
I don't know
I don't know how to deal with guys' emotions
He used me but now he feels nervous
Someone else said he feels bad about what happened to me but he used me too
But I let them didn't I
Is that rebellion that I can do and no one knows?
What's wrong with my heart?
He's an extrovert but he's antisocial
He said he wants to follow Jesus but he texts me the next day like he didn't say that
He's not allowed to have his phone upstairs because his parents are like mine, yet he texts me
The irony
And he won't block me because he's a guy
He always wants it

If I start to wonder maybe I'm making a difference
They just want to ruin people
This is wrong
Why is it so easy then?
I hate it but I don't know how to stop the cycle

Me with my eyes wet in a dark room
And I tell You so You know
I want to text him and I think of things throughout the day
But he has no commitment
Grimace when I think of things
Freaking out at NISC
My friends don't know what happened no matter how many hints I give
I can barely move at Church because he sits behind me
I dread Communion because he'll be there too
His dad's an elder
Mine is too
He's a loser
I know it

What have I done?

You don't just reverse things
Surely it means something
I'm not convicted
But how do I stop?

He'll go to gym this afternoon
I'll go to Bible study
I will probably text him again
Or maybe I won't
He texted me first for several days
But I gave him enough
He doesn't need me

I can't think about it after
When we went to church right after
I forget immediately so I don't feel disgusting
How he leaves right after