i need to be new

March 8, 2025

I'm okay

Cried in front of her for like 30 minutes

Spoke a couple times

I don't want to be vulnerable like that

Let out all the stress I've been holding that I can't talk about

They're talking to my siblings as they grow up

But where were they when I was 13?

She said it was traumatising

But I think they forgot it was so they wouldn't feel bad

What am I supposed to say when they ask why I don't talk about things with them?

It failed in the past

They weren't there when I needed them and they had lots of chances

But who cares

Fast forward

When I felt pure sad

Staring at the bathroom wall

And I could actually have reason to flinch now

She gave me her sweater

And I couldn't sleep

Laying in it

I feel her

I'll miss her

I'll miss this

But it's a mess

She's beautiful

But it's mostly a mess

No one else to talk to but her about it

Because they would say block him immediately

But I already entertained him so long

I already think of him when Tate McRae plays

She gave me advice

I want to hear it

But the new session just started

Let me hear the rest

I need it

But I know I know it already

A little late for it

For me

Like dogs barking

We said we didn't trust him

But still

But still what

I said I feel her

When I wear her sweater

Like her soul, breathing

Wrapping around me like a hug

I feel safe

And I can't sleep now

And my stomach starts hurting

But I cried on the bathroom floor for her

To God

Because He'll be there for her won't He

Be her protection when she has no shield

Be her assurance when she is far from hope

For her sister, to keep her

For her mother, to save her

I know I shouldn't hope for it but I love babies

And I might start ranting in class

Because that would be me