i need to be new

December 5, 2024

All my problems
I created them for myself
Because it's fun
I like the thrill
And I need the drama
So I created it for myself

This is when I texted him til 2am
Because I needed the conversation topic
Because I was stressed
But I made hierarchies
You're less than me
And I'm mean
I don't care
I have a lot of empathy and I feel terrible
But I have deep-set identity issues
So curse the empathy and move on
This is like a show
I wish I could just observe
But I have to interact
Hope I don't trip over the hem of my own choices
As I try to walk over to someone I shouldn't
Because she's nicer than me
Good on you for choosing the nice girl
Because if I made a show of being one
It broke
Like my morality
Because once you do one thing you shouldn't
It gets easier to do it again
My closest friends gave up on me
And I started avoiding everybody
I ditch them at lunch
Because I'd rather not hide in a bathroom stall for fifty minutes again
So I sit with my sister's friends
Because they're more similar to me
Just like my sister is
And my mother is
They make me feel sane if no one else does
Because I'll join the gold rush like Taylor Swift
Or simplify romance like COIN
But Charlie came over and said not to stress it
So I won't stress it
Just 2 hours in a grab car
Alice might judge my life decisions
And I have no excuse for them
Thirak will give me puppy eyes
He looks so desperate

But every time he talks to me he loses a billion aura points
Bro really isn't helping his own case
I'd rather not mention Porann

I asked him to formal
Not Porann
Someone else
I asked him if he would sit with me
Just sit with me
It was too last minute and he said he had plans
But he was apologetic
And he was super sweet about it
And he smiles every time he sees me now
I remember when he blushed at the last formal when we slowdanced
Will he blush again if I let him know how cute he is
Because it's funny when you break someone's shell
He has to be tough with all the rest of them
He's scary with the boys
But he can melt too if I smile at him
And he keeps winning himself aura points
Julia told me about his misogyny
About the egotism
Fair
At least he has something to have an ego about
But he was the most comfortable in his own skin
He's friendly
Funny
Awkward in a cute way
You know I asked him to formal
And he didn't tell his friends?
Bro's winning
The contrast is crazy
He's actually crazy out there
You could be bad but I want to find out like Gracie Abrams
I really like you
I didn't know that would happen
Because I like the way you run through everyone
When they're not even trying
And you go for it
Even though you play basketball like a footballer
I think I like footballers
But they shouldn't play basketball
The exception is you
The court isn't a field you forgot
But you look fine when you're sweaty
And you look nice when you know what you're doing
I like when your eyes glint when it makes you happy
And you look satisfied
Barely even tired
Or when you're frustrated with something invisible
Because it's not just in your head
Where you get around the defence
You ran a straight circle
To get nowhere
A foot above the goal
Oops
No one saw you coming
But these are times no one cared about
I just remembered them
And you hearted all my messages
And you think all girls are trash
But you asked about the B girls
Because that was my team
I won't talk about you
But I like when you grin
Because the drama is funny
You stuck with your friends
But you'll still sit with me
Because I rigged the system
But if you have a girlfriend
You're failing her
But aren't we all failing

My love life is peaking
I love it
The off-limits guy started hitting on me in the IB room
I didn't anticipate that
It's been a little while since we first met
But we still flirt so easily
I don't know why either
Did he wear the same hoodie again because I said I liked it?
He's not a good guy I know
Why is he hitting on me then?
I'm the good girl who reads the Bible in assembly
That's funny
He's not a good guy I know it
But flirting is fun
I have a little more time
High school
Before I'm necessarily getting married
What do I have to do?
Do something reckless?
This is fun
Sorry if I'm dumb

I love having my nails done
But I'll need some validation on the fit this year
I'll fall over
My feet will cramp
I hope we slowdance
I hope they don't look at me in the car
I hope I shut my mouth and don't say something I'll regret later
That's what I said two years ago too
The same thing
I loved it two years ago
And hopefully no one carries away a hurt soul
Afterwards

If it's open air
What if someone jumps off
I want to
I say that because it sounds nice
But I forgot I'm just lonely sometimes
And I love life so much
I love thrills and simple details
I love all the people
I love music
They better play slowdance songs
I need physical contact
But no not that
Who said that
I meant
I need to dance with those I did before
Whom I enjoyed the company of
For the memories
And the emotions
And because flirting is fun
It gets dark
But our hearts are still light

I forgot I love football
The nights
Where we're all exhausted
But there are 2,000 people here
And your smile is the brightest
And I feel close to something

And I forgot
I haven't even told you things
I didn't tell you
That you were my favourite to dance with
I don't know about you as a person
But you're lovely to dance with
You were confident and friendly
Comfortable and relaxed
Gentle and humble
Sweet
Very gentlemanly
Masculinity
In your actions
I miss it
But that's why I put you on my seating list
I didn't know you
But your character traits in the formal dance got my attention
I didn't even think you were cute
But now I do
And I talked to you a couple times
And you were so easy to talk to
I wanted to more
Which never happens if I like someone
But it did with you

And you're the only one of you in the world of course
And it's okay
Because I think you found Jesus
The same as I did
So I'll see you

I saw you today and thought you were annoying
That was random
I never do that
You play basketball like a footballer
But that's fine if you can still play
Thank You God for this
Guide our conversations
And my life decisions

I better take the moments when they come
Two years ago
I was too scared and it didn't happen
It won't happen like that this time
Because later I'll lay in the dark looking at the strip of light from the curtains
And I'll be happy I did it
I'll always wish I could stay longer
Be closer
But I did something at least while I possessed the moment
Before it fled me 
Even if you say no 
And you worry about other things or you get in your head
What do I have to lose? 

I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath
And you think I'm crazy, you think I'm crazy
But that's not fair
~Eminem