i need to be new

January 16, 2025

Too tired during basketball
I'm not studying
But I'll explain why
Pride comes before a fall right
But pick the pen lid up after you drop it
I don't want to write this
I don't want to write this.

He isn't a Christian, is he?
Read Psalm 145 with the rest of us?
Or wait til Sunday
Am I cooked?
Actually this time?
Like I got five siblings holdup
You actually sleep at 9.30?
You like bikes
I'm sure your parents think you're a star
Do mine love me?
Yours don't know, do they?
I don't want to know about all the high schoolers in the world then.
I'm good

I cried in my bed
Huddling under a blanket
I'm allowed to say "no thanks"
I'm allowed to say "I'm good"
And no one cares if he wanted it
And he's a little more demanding
But I want to know what happens
I hate this

You have before, so have I
And I'm just one of the others
One of many
You won't treat me right
I'm just something you wanted for a bit
Barely even someone
I've looked for other people before
What a way to find him

Now I have to blast taylor swift from my stress relief playlist
Say goodnight to my dad twice before he heads upstairs
Because I said it to you too and you only said gn
You know he plays football
That's where I got what's in my veins from

Hurry
I want my music to break my ears
Louder
I love my best friend more than my hometown
Like under a mango tree because I need some sense knocked into me
Let one fall
Why do I tell her everything; did I never learn my lesson?

If he's unusually nice
Same obscure ethnicity as you
Grew up in the same two small towns as you
If his dad is one of your favourite people
And your dad is a volleyball coach

And he knows how to talk to make adults like him
No one suspects him
He's not shy
He's funny
He has his hobbies
Like calling me baby girl when it's dark out
No, I mean
Don't put your hands on me
Because I'll melt under them
But you will anyway
Like we're all just human I guess

And you're 6'2
One of them is like 5'3
It's all a loss
no matter who you are
what you have
Because you wasted what's not yours
Because God knew best
And it's a scheme like Screwtape has game
Kind of funny
I can't not like you
Because it's me
Too
When did I become game for these boys

I cried because I love my dog
That God made
Because God is wise
And I petted her and she licked me and I trusted her not to bite me
And she forgot what she was doing because she's tired
And started licking me again
She looked at me with her big brown round eyes
Leave me alone now
I love her so much

Thankfully I don't think it'll haunt me too much
I've seen things before
It's not like I'm traumatised
Just kind of
Because he's him
He goes to my church
I've known him for a while
He's friendly
He's him
I know people did this

Why do girls even play with him
He doesn't know how to treat them
He can talk the talk
Does he know the play?
Everyone will say he's a red flag
Except my parents
And his
All the reels
They slid in easy
Does he want to?
Who am I kidding
He's a guy.
I thought he was cute
He's strong
He's tall
Not compared to God

He called me baby girl
I thought he was joking
Someone recently was
But the jokes stopped being funny
And he wasn't that nervous about it
He wasn't shy
And you said
I'll act like nothing happened when we meet in person
Just like that
It's not my first time.
But like Sadie Thompson when you lose faith in humanity

I don't need to be down again
I have mocks next week
You have me shivering in a hoodie, wanting to die
I can't take earphones out or my brain will break me
Leave the pen lid on the ground
And I'm straight
I like slowdances and I'll wink at you
But you - not you

Make a ban on talking to Year 10 guys ever
If you're a girl
They'll manipulate you
I'm sure some of them are decent
I'll have to be honest with my kids someday

Double minded
<the Monster by Eminem> is relevant
Like how I appreciated him hurting me a little
I don't know why he dislikes me but I can't even focus on anyone now

And I do the same expression my dad does

I woke up at 5.30 and couldn't go back to sleep
But I was happy about it
Now I'm trying to read the Bible
It's hard to

My friend said just to ignore him
Does she know I won't?
I already did it even though I didn't yet

Now I did
It's not very weird because I'm used to it
Already
I still thought he was cute
I liked the way he talked
He was the only one who didn't ghost
Until now
After he got what he wanted
Will he text me back?
I don't know
I liked the culture difference
You're American
A little more demanding
A little more dominating
He said act like nothing happened
So something happened
You don't reverse things like that
He was so down for it

It doesn't bother me too much
Maybe it should
I complied
That's the problem
I'll see him tomorrow
I wonder if he'll even look at me