January 5, 2025

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by absy_22k

by absy_22k

You give life
You are love
You bring light to the darkness

You give hope
You restore
Every heart that is broken

Like mine? Mine too, right?
But we sang that song in Central Europe
On the last day
And all 2,000 of us stood there,
Lifted our hands,
Cried
To the same words
All of our broken hearts
Because of things that You could control
Yet You still are our hope?

And I believe the words about Your character
And I want to praise You

Because You gave us breath in our lungs
Why do I still have breath in them?
I don't know.

It's been five years now.

Five years
I would say I hated them
They were long and they were short

And they were miserable
But I did half of it to myself

I'm sorry

I'm not worthy of any of Your affection

I saw a John Piper quote a couple days ago
Something along the lines of
Crying for what you lost
Washing your face
And moving forward

Did I forget how to do that?

I forgot how to pray
I don't know how long it was
But one day
This past week
I prayed again
And I almost hate it to pray
I'm too exposed, I cry immediately
I can't let my guard down and genuinely talk to You
But I prayed again
And I needed to
And when I'm short on words and just babbling
Then I just said
Make me Yours
Make me Yours
That's the cry of my heart
But I'm weak
I don't know how
So make me Yours

All this pain
I wonder if I'll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change
At all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground
At all

That's what someone sang tonight at church
I was using my hoodie as a handkerchief because I needed one
Those words were what I was thinking
And they were sung
Like they were known
How do I recover
Is it even possible?
Implausible?
I hold on to hope now
But in those five years there were times
I didn't think I could ever have joy again
I was sure it was hopeless
I was hopeless
How am I supposed to get better?
I didn't know how
But He,
He is mighty to save
Even the likes of me
And I'm so sorry that I could forget
I'm sorry I've convinced myself of so many lies
They're hard to remove now
And I've liked to forget the things I should think on
Drown it out with something
So I forget
And think it's fine
The first night in Bangkok
I couldn't stop crying once we got there
My mom just thought I was hot because we had to walk a ways in the sun
But no
I didn't want to be there
I was done
What was my hope?
Where was it?
Not there that day?
I texted that night
Like I forgot
Like I was dead
And You know all this
And You know all the feelings that got stepped on
When I was most sensitive
And how the enemy fed me lies and I listened
And I thought no one cared
For so long
I stopped talking
Because no one wanted to listen to me
I think people lie when they appreciate me now
Because I convinced myself they don't
But how the people closest hurt me most
And the words spoken
January 26, 2023
Still burn holes in my heart
How they assumed things
But never understood
And they never brought anything up after that day
Not once
They must not really care then
But we stopped talking for a while
And I don't think people will love me if they know now
How my sister is copy-paste of my mother
We only talk about her life for the past couple years
I don't have one, it's only fair
I have to put earphones in in the car so I don't have a breakdown
So I don't talk now
And they forgot about me
Who I am
They didn't listen when I talked
But did I brainwash myself
And they actually do care?
And You know all this
And once in Kep
At Shalom Valley
We sang I Belong to God
And the fire was so small
And the black sky so big
And I cried because I didn't feel You
Or see You
At all
And nobody knew
Because it was dark
No one could see me
I swam
And when I got in the bunk
I stared at the window screen
And I poured out my heart to You
Not aloud
And I said
If I am to be Yours
If You want me at all
You better do something
Because I'm helpless
So if You want me make me Yours
You have to
But do whatever You want
It's up to You
You don't have to want me
And I slept with such peace
And I woke with such peace
Because I had nothing to worry for
It was all on You
And that same morning
We all got rocks to paint
A large pile of them
I grabbed a random one, I didn't look
And it was in the shape of a heart
And I knew
That You saw me
When I was so far
In the dark
Where no one else could see me
And You heard me
And You answered me
But I forget over and over
And You chase me over and over
I never even start grasping this
You give me a little at a time and I'm overwhelmed
That You would make Yourself human and come live among us
And that's how much You wanted us
That You wanted me
It dawns on me and Christmastime has already passed
But Your time hasn't

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

My forgetfulness appears to be a theme
But I forgot this somehow
That You use the weak of the world to shame the wise
Because I know nothing that would appeal me to You
The other night
When I didn't see hope
A theme of those five years
My sister came over and she said she thought God was telling her to give me a hug
You haven't left me
You haven't forgotten me
You planned to give me a future and a hope

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say it is well

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

It's already over
You already have me
And You already won
The problem I have
My forgetfulness
All the other problems
You already fixed them
They're gone
So You will keep me Yours
Because You solved the problem already
I'm free
You said You'll carry it to completion
You said You'll carry it to completion
So You will
And You were faithful my whole childhood
I had faith in You
And I moved here and You were still faithful
You are still faithful
And though my head may still rage with hurt this night
I feel so internally peaceful
Because You reminded me of who You are this day
And though I'm broken
I know in You I'm whole
In You all things hold together
I'm one of those thing
I'm sorry for the wreck I've been
And I will continue to be while I'm living terrestrially
But You have only proved Yourself
Time and time again
So may You be glorified in me
Somehow
May my life praise You
May You smile when You see me trying
But You smile just because I look like Your Son
You covered me
My trying is never good enough
But You chose me and were good enough for me
Make me Yours
Make me to look like You
Thank You