i need to be new

July 12, 2025

Weird
I won't be able to walk past you sitting at your iPad
I won't witness your big smile and earnestness
But I'll remember it
Even if just in the poems you post

Your friend
I know he sits in cars like I do
Travelling and thinking like he does
Walking miles, carried away with that head of his
I can't contact him
And he'll be afar off
Doing afar off things
I might never see him yet
Never visit the country he'll stay in
But he was one of my favourites
An important piece
An evidence of the life God gives
And a beautiful friend

There are more people here though
Every year
Amazing people
Do we fit here?
I don't know
But I think it'll give me joy to see them here
And know that I'm not alone on these huge highways
Long meadows
Big skies
Large servings
My people are here too

We're back, we say
It's us
The ones you wanted
The minority
Mandarin-speaking white Americans
Different, maybe
Cool, maybe
His truly
We don't live anywhere
"Where are you from?"
And I genuinely don't know
None of the answers seem true enough
Always on the road
Staying in people's houses
It's us
We love
We're back

You know,
Everything used to be okay
I used to be so sure, have the greatest faith
And then everything crumbled in smoke
I gained testimonies
God worked beautifully
God pursued
But I didn't want the stories because they came with so much pain
I didn't want them
I've been learning to accept the stories in all their horror
To see the beauty He worked
In all the hundreds of souls I met in 3 different countries that I never would've visited
But it's always complicated
I got good at believing lies
Maybe for comfort
Maybe for the sake of bitterness
Maybe I told them to myself
Maybe the devil whispered them
But they stuck to me as if with glue
Wouldn't shake, filtered my thoughts
But I've prayed
I've noticed the lies and tried to stop believing them with all the strength I have
And now when I'm flustered
Instead
I remind myself
That it's not meaningless
That He hears us, He saves us, He loves us, He knows us, He's here with us
And it makes everything so much better
Lifts my spirits
God gives me joy and peace
Like He was never forced to
But He loved me
He knew me
Through all of it
Even when I gave Him the cold shoulder and doubted Him
He was waiting there for me
So that's my testimony
Let it be
That I've been unsure of many things
I've been sure of many things
But in all of the dark, rainy moments
That look hopeless when you look back
He was faithful
And He looked after us
After each and every one of our steps in that foreign country
After that girl who kept questioning Him
He was patient with her
What great love is this
That I have seen in my life
Come after me at all the right times
And never abandon me
Even when I can't explain what happened
I know He was there
Let us turn our hearts to Him

If you read all my poetry
What will you think of me
Oh, she had thoughts
She was boring
If a little pretty-sounding
Will you know my heart?
All the times I found joy in Him
They existed
Though I forget

Maybe He is the memory
In all the places
When I have fond memories and forget why
When I have sour memories and forget why
He was there
What I remember is Him
Standing there next to me in each place
Though I don't even remember which countries I was in
It all depended on Him
In every place
And oh the times His heart must've been broken
When I ignored Him
When my friends ignored Him
And He had never left them
Never left

I was never confident
I'll talk and then regret it
Wish I had kept quiet
But God was fixing me
Healing me
So I could talk
And make waves like I always want to
I forget what I said because I say it from the heart now
When I'm scared for someone now
Because they don't have God
I'll know He's there and He always has been
They haven't turned to Him
They're caught up in a tangle of their own decisions and thoughts and actions, they're scared and ashamed and deceived
There's nothing we can do
God is always there
But let us love
And be intentional
And truthful
Reflecting Him
He is the salvation from sin
But they have to want it

We all got dropped off somewhere
That God prepared for us
So you can't judge, can't generalise
When I think of the motherland, the mainland that I called my home
I feel I still owe it something
Like it's where I came from, my home
But it evaded me and left
So many problems but don't they all have them
Wondering if allegiance is something I have to offer
I wouldn't agree with the government of the motherland, but I love the country all the same

And I'm so thankful I live at the same time as you
And we got to talk
And I could know your heart
Because it's a beautiful heart
Never mind my insecurity
Your happiness makes me happy
And I want to thank the Lord for all the people I know
That He touched
And how I've seen how He touched them
Seen Him save a heart and a life at its darkest point
Seen struggling but Job 1:21 still pulled out
Best friends with her mom and only a bit of pain
Whether it be silence or screaming
I've seen the grace You give and simple faith
So many experiences and circumstances
But Your love was always unceasing
You are always unceasing

We can go love and be showy
But what do our hearts look like
Do we forgive that person that hurt us the most
Because their names still sting when I hear them

Sometimes you don't know there's trouble
Until it hurts
And it'll hurt a little more to pull up
But you had better pull it up

I add meaning to things in random places
I see patterns
I'm very nostalgic
I feel emotions way more heavily than I'd like at times
But wait

When I look up
It's the most beautiful day ever