i need to be new

November 2, 2024

I could write a poem, but it won't make you stay
And I'll probably never see you again after this is over
It sounds unbearable when you hear it but when it happens it's okay
''Sometimes fear is the scariest part''
I wish you had stayed
I think you should
I think you should be ours
You were scared to say things but you said it's a ''Christian school''
I was a little surprised, a little not if I thought about it
But it hurt a bit
I remembered when you just stared at me like a creep until we were friends
You just handed me your phone and your charger and you played football in your white crocs until the sun tried to set
Totally better than me but I megged you once
You were never fine but you were beautiful and you lived with us
You fit in here
They all wear black
You wear red and gold with pink shoes
I remember when I called you that night
And how considerate you were
You're one of my favourites
You were honest, you were kind
How you cared, how you loved us
How you were careful not to swear
But you never did your homework cause you really didn't care
You were rizzler but super comfortable
You would answer all the questions
And I miss you for sports
Even just your presence that I could hang with, no worries
Always constant even when your life sucked
You're fast, good job hopping in and trying to
We were sceptical at first, not for long
And I'm sorry for how broken you are
Your shoulders are broader now, your smile just as broad as it was before
Birkenstocks that almost match mine
I miss you
But you're somewhere else now
Off dealing with the loneliness in a headspace that doesn't help
We miss who you were
But thank the Lord that He makes the decisions and I don't
Maybe you'll remember us
Maybe God will hear our prayers for you
And maybe He misses you like we do
He doesn't just forget you
Even if you forget Him

So thanks for responding when we talk to you
Even though your heart hangs broken on your face sometimes
I'll miss your smile
I kind of forgot it
But I remembered it when I saw it
And I realised I missed it
Please be safe
I prayed for you
I never cared for your school until you went there
I cheered for you today
Got videos of you playing because you count in my head
And it's sad because I know you
So I know who you could be
But you aren't right now

And I wish I could stay, I'm almost down because I can't
Am I just supposed to bear the sadness?
Bear the moving
Bear not being able to watch my siblings grow up
Bear losing all my friends to thousands of kilometres of distance
You know I'm so proud to say that he's my brother
He's MVP blazing through the bars of defence
When his team is nowhere to be found but he has all the energy for both combined
How we found him and he's ours and he grew up lovely
I'll miss you kids
Somehow I don't know I love you until I have to leave you

You know there's so much darkness here in the developed part of the city
Even though the electricity lights the night
Where we're all educated and civilised
And we have gaps in our hearts we try to fill
While we joke and laugh
I heard you and your friends
How you talk like you're from a Chicago hood but you're from the capital of a Southeast Asian country
Pray for these kids that have twenty nice cars and a big house
Any nice things they want
And no parents showing up for them
No dad to talk to
They're popular and they have a crowd of friends
But he cried all night playing games on his laptop, all alone
He changed houses every week
He threatened to hurt you if you tried to help because he was scared
And if you didn't see them, I did
There are a couple thousand
And they're all vapours
But a few of us are in the loud, full room
Who want to follow the Lord
So let's live
Let's look different
Why would we worry about what they think when they only worry about what we think?
Be alive, don't just fade and get in your own head
Because they have everything they need
But they don't have life
The boys getting cash for the points on the scoreboard
Their bodies work, so what if their souls don't?
The girls getting more than eyes because they have their look perfect
Fit perfect
It's only the outside so they have to fake the inside
Why would anyone care if they didn't have a reason?
Why would you care if Jesus didn't?
Because it breaks my heart but what a waste if I'm here and I ignore them all

Because bad company ruins good morals
But you seem to be their ringleader
They're your minions
Coming to your game, following you, quietly bearing your words
You cause all the drama
You're the chatterbox
You were the charismatic kid with us too
I guess no one knows who they are
So they'll follow you even though you don't either
Because you can fake it well
Is it a coping mechanism?
Pour yourself out for something because you need something
You just don't know what
Because you used to be so careful
So genuine
Now you stare into the distance
And you couldn't translate the cursing because it's a language
A format
And you're lost when it all falls through
You're friends but there's no relationship
It's boredom so they'll hang with you
Loyalty because you need a squad
But they'll run when real trouble comes
I guess those with no role models can figure life out
We were all a bit caught off guard
But the ones who stayed because we could
We were disappointed
Sorry
Sorry for you

But we still want you
He still wants you
For worse or for better
And we all love you
But it hurts so much when I know you
And I know you're so much more than who you're being
Because I've seen you be more
I know you're better than that
So why do you let yourself break?
Do you still have no one?
Jesus, please show up
And I believe He will
Because you didn't come to my school for a year for no reason
You didn't know us all for nothing
You better get back up.
Evil leads to a casket, your amigo in a casket, a tuxedo in a casket
It's kinda sad - thinking why would Jesus need me, if He saw me He would pass me.
Feeling like the devil came and shot you down
I try to help you up, you tell me not right now
Gave it to the Lord, and now your life's back up
In these streets it ain't no chill
In these streets I hear they're still thugging
Condemnation had you thinking you weren't good enough
Everything that Satan ever gave us wasn't good for us
But the penalty that Christ took for us
How He was murdered, how He hung beside a crook for us
Resurrected for His glory, salvation is a gift and it's the way that He restores me
Living by the mercy and compassion He has for me

"He will not constantly accuse us, nor remain angry forever. He does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve. For his unfailing love toward those who fear him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west. For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust. Our days on earth are like grass; like wildflowers, we bloom and die. The wind blows, and we are gone— as though we had never been here."
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭103‬:‭9‬-‭12‬, ‭14‬-‭16‬ ‭