i need to be new

February 27, 2025

Didn't write for long enough

That I'm sitting and phrases come to me

So you know

How we sit and watch these days

The aesthetics

And think about how we'll miss them when they leave

And not much else

Tell everyone later

Like pictures are half the fun of it

Everyone left and I wondered if I would lose sanity

Like what am I supposed to do with no one around?

Read and listen to music

But you can see stars

That's all we ever wanted to do

Like where are you going?

But I'd rather be here while I'm here

I forgot to say what I probably never will

I'm excited if I can walk around with you for free

A heart that's free if nothing else is

In a terrain I'm uncomfortable in

People that know me and I don't even know what they look like

I sat next to you twice

It's nice to be comfortable with someone

Like how our faces are hot

But it'll be colder later

Be careful with the words you use

Even though most of us are fine with it

I see what you could see in him now

It's truly amazing

In the classroom -- the most out of it

On the field -- not even the coach can compare

And I think I reflected off him once

Got around some other guy once

And I did two good things for that goal

I was happy

I've liked people before too so I know how it is

Anything is treasured from them

They could say anything happened and you wouldn't hate them

You'd still love

--For most people at least

And I'm there wondering

Gonna go to Logos and fall over again where I shouldn't

Make something up where nothing exists

And probably revert to Hope cuz the red flags are more subtle

I'll miss the one kid zoned out like he was once

At camp

And how some still won't look at me

Old school drama

But I'd die for them still

And those broken pieces that fold into a grin

Like the bruises hurt good if I get them from you

Why are all the ones good at sports so dumb though

What if we speak but the words are wrong

They lack meaning or purpose

What if we think but the thoughts are fake

Like an algorithm

Like I spent time on my face

To make it prettier

But it was God's doing not mine

Where's my input?

Effectual like the wind on a strong tree

I'm here and I didn't do anything to be

So neither did they

If they play basketball

If they don't

If it's Japanese genes

If it's German

How clear is my head

Could I know

And I wanted to throw up when I thought about it

How I always wanted to be them

And they were broken and toxic

And I really just wanted to be myself

But I see them again

And it chokes my stomach

You'd be surprised

The Logos bathrooms are small

Nah, I can barely go in anymore

Imagine going to Logos and having to

His dad talks to me

I can barely reply

And he thinks my notes are about him

Communion now

I dread it now

I should apologise to him, my mind said

Nope that would be weird

I should write her a letter

So she knows I cared

Where'd she go

She just looks through me now

Like I'm a stranger and we weren't best friends

But God is so faithful

He gave me the best friends I could ask for

They keep me stable

I'd probably be so far without them

And they care and they watch me

Heaven knows why

But when something's that brief

Normally I'm not that invested