Castles crumbling (Taylor Swift's little sister)

Chapter 50

- "What happened?" Dr. Sach asked looking sadly at you.

You shrugged, don't knowing what to say. And looked away from the doctor. You were feeling better, more in control, but didn't think it would turn into this.

The doctor asked you to dress and sit down so you could talk calmly, you obediently went back to the bathroom to take off the robe and put on your clothes. When you were sitting in front of the older woman she tried speaking up again:

- "I just want to know what's going on inside your head. I've noticed that you've been zoning out more often. You're quieter at mealtimes and at group therapies too. You've been back to some disordered behaviors also, which you were doing better at" the doctor said with a much gentler voice now.

- "I don't know what happened. I just thought I could start cutting half of my morning snack but then I started to exercise a bit too" you said looking to the floor to avoid eye contact.

- "Elizabeth...you know you cannot make decisions about your intake or exercise right now. Not without discussing them here. But something might have triggered you, what was it?" The doctor said kindly.

- "No... I don't know"

- "Try to think about it, honey" she insisted.

- "It's stupid now that I think about it" you said ashamed.

- "Doesn't matter. Tell me about it"

- "The day that you told me that I could go back to school... I went home and looked at my uniforms and thought they will not fit anymore, but Taylor walked in and said to focus on the facts, and the fact is that I have worn those uniforms before getting sick and during my illness... so logically they would fit, and they did. But I guess I just felt body conscious... I felt like I was an inch away from not fitting into my clothes anymore. I'm sorry" you said ashamed as you fought back the tears.

- "Hey... you don't have to be sorry for slipping. You'll get through this. I'll have to call your mom; we'll talk about this once you finish your afternoon snack"

- "Can we just... not tell her about this? I promise I'll be good" you said wishing your mom could not know. It'll break her heart.

- "No. She needs to know. We need to come up with a plan TOGETHER to help you get back on the wagon. I'll see you later. Go to the dining room and have lunch"

You walked down the hall feeling defeated, knowing you were going to disappoint your mom again and Taylor too. You just sat and stared at your plate for a couple of minutes, you were not hungry at all after the appointment, all you could think of was how stupid you were. It was shocking how easy it was for you to get entangled and fall back into old habits, yet how time consuming, wearing and draining it was to fight back those disordered thoughts. It took just one meal restricting to get trapped again, but it took months of therapy, hundreds of times challenging fear foods and fighting back that voice in your head that told you how unworthy of food or love you were; to be where you were right now, which of course was better than before, but not recovered. This shit was exhausting.

You knew that walking down that path was going to take you to a darker place. Although you weren't hungry, you picked up the fork and forced yourself to eat everything, despite how loud the voice in your head was screaming at you. You finished just a minute before Dr. Maine was about to ask the staff to take away your plate and replace the uneaten food with supplement. In the group therapies you just sat there and didn't share much, you were absorbed by your own thoughts. You forced your afternoon snack down your throat and went to Dr. Sach's office again, where your mom was waiting for you. Dr. Sach had already told everything you told her to your mom, and she was, in fact, heartbroken, you could tell she had been crying.