Castles crumbling (Taylor Swift's little sister)

I'd like to be my old self again but I'm still trying to find it (remembering)

You were doing better physically, your heart had improved a lot and you were almost hitting a healthy weight range. You were trying your best: following your meal plan, opening up in therapy, you were back to school on the mornings and going in the afternoons to the recovery program. You were trying to take it easy with school perfectionism, since Mrs. Tallin, the principal, had designed a plan for you to you stay on track and the doctors cleared you to be able to work an hour a day when you were not going to school at all. You were doing what you were supposed to, yet you felt so lost, so hopeless and so lonely. Therapists, Taylor, your family and loved ones kept telling you that it was going to get easier, but it didn't seem to be getting easier. It was harder now that you didn't actively have your eating disorder to cling to.

One day you were cleaning and organizing your room when you found a dress you wore for a Taylor's birthday party some years ago inside your closet. You looked at it and remembered how fun was that night. That purple dress was lovely, you remembered how confident and pretty you felt in it, you remembered how you wanted it to be very similar to that Speak Now Dress Taylor had. That was more than three years ago, when all this hatred again yourself hadn't started, when you were just a happy kid who wanted to go to school, have fun with her friends, enjoy life. It was before you decided that you felt so out of control that you felt like needed to use your body as an exercise of control. Sure, you were always a perfectionist and wanted to have the best grades at school, you wanted to be a good student, a good friend, a good daughter, a good sister and a good girl; but it wasn't like this. Back then you were able to make mistakes and not hate yourself because of it, you were able to rest when you were tired, to eat what you wanted and to ask for help when you needed it. Back then you weren't ashamed of yourself, you were not constantly worrying about not being good enough. Back then you were happier.

You deep sighed and opened your laptop to look for pictures of that day, you were able to quickly find them. Taylor was wearing a light blue mini dress and black high heels. She looked stunning and so happy, her makeup was flawless, her hair looked amazing too. You found a picture in which you were dancing with Blake, your heart melted remembering that you were feeling a little shy and she started to dance with you so you could feel more comfortable. You remembered Taylor's birthday cake and how excited you were to try it, you also remembered that you went with Tree to collect it and found a selfie you both took in the car with the cake in your hands. You found a picture of Taylor and you, smiling, you started to compare yourself with your sister: your teeth were a little crowded, you hadn't gotten braces yet, yet you were smiling widely and your eyes crinkled while you did it. Andrea let you apply some light make up for that night and you asked Taylor to do it, you recalled how much fun you had getting ready together. You started to look at all the flaws and things that now you hated of yourself, but realized that they weren't an issue when the pictures were taken. You were so careless. You were so happy. You moved yourself in front of the mirror and placed your laptop on top of your desk. You stared at the picture and then at yourself in the mirror. You couldn't recognize  the girl in the pictures, it felt like a whole different Lizzie than the one who was in front of you. You couldn't recognize this Lizzie, you felt so hollow.

Tears started to stream down your cheeks and a wave of sadness hit you, it was filling your body but you didn't want to feel it. You tried moving your standing floor mirror so it wouldn't be facing you, you couldn't keep looking at yourself, but you placed it wrong and it fell down and crushed into pieces. You started crying loudly, standing there, between broken mirror pieces. Taylor was practicing a new melody she had come up with in the piano when heard the loud noise

-"Liz! Are you okay?" She shouted.

Since she didn't get an answer she decided to go upstairs to see for herself what happened. As she approached your room she heard the loud sobs and ran worried towards your room, opened the door and saw the scene.