Castles crumbling (Taylor Swift's little sister)

Chapter 23

On Monday morning Taylor drove you to school at the usual hour.

- "I 'll be here at 11:45 to pick you up, baby. Dr. Sach said that weight in would be at 12:15" the blonde said.

- "Okay, see you" you answered.

School went okay, but you felt huge all day. You knew that once you stood on the scales you would've gained at least 5 pounds. At recess you went to the bathroom with Erin and Lou, and you started to check your reflection in the mirror.

- "What's wrong, Lizzie?" Lou asked.

- "Nothing I just feel fat" you answered.

- "Fat is not a feeling, Lizzie. What are you really feeling?" Erin said.

- "I... I don't know. I just don't like what I see, I feel uncomfortable today. Whatever...let's go" you said.

You kept thinking the rest of the day about what Erin said: Fat is not a feeling. At 11:45 you walked to the school's parking lot and Taylor was waiting for you, you jumped in and asked:

- "Hey Tay, do you think that feeling fat is a thing, I mean, do you think that fat is feeling?"

- "Wow honey. I get why you are asking this. No, fat is not a feeling. It took a lot of therapy and time for me to understand that, but I've learnt that when I think I feel fat, there's something else that's going inside my mind that needs to be dealt with. Something deeper, but my mind would go to the "I'm feeling fat" reasoning. It takes time to teach your brain to deal with those difficult feelings and thoughts, instead of going directly to the "I feel fat" thing and try to change your body."

- "Oh. Okay. Thank you, Tay."

You got to the treatment center and got off the car with Taylor. Dr. Sach was waiting for the two of you, you went to the exam room located at the end of the hall.

- "So, how did your first week go, Elizabeth?" Dr. Sach asked.

- "It was hard" you said.

- "What would you say, Taylor?" Dr. Sach turned to Taylor.

- "It was rough. I think that Lizzie is trying really hard, some meals are easier than others. But in the end, Lizzie always ends up drinking the supplement, though."

- "Alright. Let's see how your weight is" Dr. Sach said, pointing to the bathroom so you could take your clothes off, stay only in your underwear and wear the robe. As soon as you got out wearing the robe, Taylor's eyes watered. Since you walked to the scales facing backwards to Taylor and the robe had an opening in the back, she could see every single bone in your spine. You looked so thin; she hadn't seen you without clothes (even if it was in your underwear) in a long time. Your legs were so thin. She didn't know if you were slowly losing more weight or if she just hadn't seen you almost naked in a long time.

You stood on the scales and as you saw the number you frowned. You were confused, you felt huge, but you had lost another 3 lbs. You immediately grinned a little. Dr. Sach wrote down the number in her notebook and asked you to put your clothes on again. When you did and sat down beside Taylor, she held your hand tightly. Dr. Sach turned around her computer so Taylor could see her notes.

- "I'm really worried. Elizabeth, you've lost over 10 lbs. since your first appointment here, that was like 2 weeks ago. Have you been following your meal plan?" Taylor flinched and squeezed your hand. You silently nodded, faking a surprised face because of the weight loss. Dr. Sach turned to Taylor, waiting for the blonde to say something about your eating. Taylor spoke:

- "I wouldn't say that she has stuck 100% to the meal plan. She's definitely trying hard; I can see that. Of course, we've had arguments about food, but I try to stay strict and keep telling her that food is non-negotiable".

You looked down, avoiding eye contact with Dr. Sach or Taylor. You were shocked cause you felt huge all day, you were confused but also glad that you were lighter.

- "I need to take your vitals, see how your heart is doing. You know that if it drops below 40bpm, we need to send you to hospital" Dr Sach said.

You turned your head furiously to Taylor, as Dr. Sach stood up to bring her supplies to take your vitals. - "You cannot let this happen Tay, I cannot go to the hospital".

- "I don't want that to happen either, Baby. But this is really dangerous. I need you to be honest with me, with them and most of all, with yourself. Have you been compensating either exercising or purging?"

You just shook your head but didn't know how to lie to her face using words.

Fortunately, to you, in that moment Dr. Sach came back with the blood pressure monitor, the heart rate monitor and the thermometer. Saved by the bell. You extended your arm, and she took your vitals.

- "Alright, your blood pressure is a little low, your temperature too. Let's see your pulse."

Those 30 seconds felt like an eternity to you. Taylor was so nervous you could see her biting her lip. You saw the screen: 41 beats per minute.

- "Your heart is currently beating at 41 beats per minute. This is really really dangerous Elizabeth, we won't send you to hospital, but it's evident that you're not following your meal plan and your body is deteriorating slowly. I really need you to stick to the meal plan, Elizabeth. I need you to finish your meals, do not lean on the supplement, it's a resource we use, but it's not the optimal solution" Dr. Sach said.

All you heard was the "we're not sending you to hospital" part. To you, that was enough. You zoned out. You waited for Dr. Sach to dismiss you and when she did, you said goodbye to Taylor and went to the dining room. The blonde and Dr. Sach stayed in the exam room for a while to talk.

- "I'm really worried, Dr. Sach" Taylor said picking at her nails.

- "I know. She's obviously not eating as much as she should, with the meal plan intake she should've at least, maintained. But she's losing weight" the doctor said.

- "I'll be stricter. I'm sorry. I feel so guilty" Taylor said swallowing her tears back.

- "It's not your fault, Taylor. Lizzie's case is a really complex one. However, I think you should monitor her closely, I don't think that her weight loss is only due to her not finishing her meals. She must be using compensatory behaviors somehow, either purging or exercising" Dr. Sach said worriedly.

- "She told me she wasn't doing any of those things. We walked slowly yesterday, though" Taylor replied embarrassed.

- "Her weight loss is not due to yesterday's walk. Although we need to avoid exercise as much as possible. The scale doesn't lie. Elizabeth must be compensating somehow. From now on, any kind of exercise is absolutely forbidden for Elizabeth, I'll talk to her later about it".

Taylor's heart broke. She was so worried, yet so angry at you for lying to her, well, deep down she knew she was mad at your eating disorder. She thanked Dr. Sach and ran to the car to cry madly, then called Tree and went out for a coffee with her.

Meanwhile, you went to the dining room to find that lunch was pesto pasta with chicken, salad made with tomatoes, arugula, bocconcini cheese topped with olive oil and passion fruit juice. For dessert you had strawberries with whipped cream and chocolate chips.

You stared at your plate without moving for 5 minutes. 5 minutes in which your mind was racing like crazy. 5 minutes in which you decided that this was too hard, eating was too hard, facing your demons was too hard, recovery was too hard. Nope, you were not going to do it. In those 5 minutes you decided that you were not going to fight this. You were not going to recover. This was the perfect way of controlling everything in your life, and it was working, you were thinner even if you didn't feel like it, the scale showed a lower number each time you stepped on it. You felt in control, even if you were scared all the time you were going to make a mistake and lose it. Everyone told you that you were going to die if you kept going like you did. Then, you were going to keep controlling everything until, one day, this killed you.