𝐅𝐥𝐨𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞: 𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐁𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐬𝐨𝐦

From Haru to Zinny

Since sixteen.

Since the very start, I already find you attractive. Not just being attracted by your appearance, but also by the personality you have. Even your soul is as beautiful as you are inside and out. I'm very lucky the moment I become your friend and your lover.

It's hard for me to show my feelings... to show what I really feel inside... because I am afraid of being judged or misunderstood. I am also afraid of being answered in the way I don't want. We are so opposite to each other. You are an honest person; you speak to your feelings; you speak from your soul. Thus, you want me to be also like that.

I am pressured to speak according to what I am feeling... because all my life, I don't want to be a burden to anyone. Whenever I speak up, I feel guilty afterwards. I don't want to ever be honest again. But thank you, Zinny, for changing me; for slowly encouraging me to be real to my feelings. I'm trying hard to become honest to you and sincere.

Thank you for giving me time to bloom, and for letting me go even if it hurts you deeply inside. I just don't want to hurt you more. When I leave you, I want you to still bloom into everything you want to do with your life. I'll be happy if you are happy. Your happiness means a lot to me.

I'm very amazed by the strong personality you have, aside from being too good and jolly. You are able to stand for yourself and fight again for the next day. You never let yourself drown from sadness and grief. As I told you, it's okay to feel pain; it's okay to accept pain. We don't have to paint the negativity as somewhat positive. We should accept that it's really negative, and it's okay. You'll wither... and then bloom again.

I bloom with you, Zinny. My florescence.

Until now I'm Seventeen.

How are you now, Zinny?

I hope you're feeling good these days.

I'm sorry I did not send you letters, but I am continuing to write a lot. So if ever we meet again, I can give you all of these to read.

Mommy is still in the hospital. When I came here in Japan and visited her the first time, the psychiatrist said that her mental illness is severe, and that includes medication and ongoing therapy. I never stopped being sad and lonely; I even cried just by watching my mom still not in herself and in pain.

My stepfather, on the other hand, had a mistress. It was infuriating seeing him with another woman. I felt so guilty at why I allowed Mom to be with him while I was away. If I just stayed, this would not happen to her. If I just followed what Hana said, then I'll be not regretting anything right now.

But you know, good things happened when I was in the Philippines. I missed how genuinely I was happy there, and also missed the pure love and everyday blossom when I'm with you. Everything felt so peaceful there. When I'm here in Japan, I am always reminded of pain. I am always reminded of the dark of the past. I want to leave this place... But I couldn't without Mommy.

I missed you so much, Zinny. If the Philippines is just a nearby country to walk or swim, I would literally do that. Please take care of your health and be merry. I bloom with you so much, my florescence.

Still you right now I'm eighteen.

Zinny, I'm really sorry. I should be going now to the Philippines, but things happened... and I couldn't face you anymore. Right after knowing the truth, I felt guilty for what my stepfather did to your family.

Until now... I still love you, Zinny. It's so painful to be far away from you... It's so painful not reaching out to you. I felt so miserable right now... that I didn't even know what to do after. I needed you here with me... but after what happened, I thought that I don't deserve you at all.

You're like an angel... and I'm just a shade of dark.

Still you even now I'm nineteen.

I am still writing a letter for you, even if it's hard to fathom if I can still meet you and give these to you.

I saw you being happy with someone else during the summer break. It did break my heart, but at the same time, it felt good to see you genuinely happy. You deserve to be happy after all the heartaches you've encountered in your life. I wish you well... and to fully move on.

But I am still praying that you still will have a place in your heart where I am there. I am still praying and hoping you will still accept me, even if it's not in the lover position anymore. I just want to be somewhere closer to you... Perhaps to be your friend again.

I realized how red I am as a person. How thick my face is... when I still want to have a place in your heart—even after what I've done to you. I left you with a promise, but I broke it.

I'm still as miserable as I was when I was eighteen. Because you know what..? I am still in love with you. My heart still feels blossomed whenever I think of you... and see you out of nowhere.

Loving and missing you deeply at twenty.

Girls are just merely girls in my eyes and in my mind.

Everytime my classmate or my friend introduces me to someone, I really don't have a care. I just act like it's nice to meet them. But when everything is so settled, I just suddenly break it by saying I have a girlfriend... and that girlfriend is you.

Somehow, I feel satisfied whenever I introduce you to someone as my girlfriend; showing them your pictures. They will not put any interest in me after that. I'm once free again.

All my life, my only love is you.

I can't love someone else as much as I loved you.

Because I can't force myself to love somebody else. I just can't look at someone's eyes without reminding me of you. I'm not the type of person who just opens for love again right after a heartbreak. No, I'm not like that. I'm not interested anymore after the first heartbreak.

One girl is enough for me.

If it breaks, then never again.

I bloom with you until now, Zinny.

I'm still missing and loving you until now I'm twenty.

Twenty-one, you're still the only one.

I thought I would be complete again, because my family is complete—and I studied at the university I dreamed of studying, and also getting recognition from my degree. I gained the peace I wanted... and the happiness for a while.

But still, there's a missing piece inside. You are the missing piece.

You're still the only one after all these years. My mind is literally saying, how can I ever be complete if you're the one who will complete me.

It sucks to live like this, Zinny.

It's painful to think you have someone else already.

Twenty-two, still you.

Even until now, I am still missing and loving you.

It's really hard to continue life with a heavy heart.

The love and longing I have for you is as equal to the pain and loneliness I have inside.

Maybe I will live like this forever.

Continually finding happiness... even I knew you are my happiness.

How will I ever move on from you, Zinny?—if the love is still there?