I'm trying again so I don't lose myself. I'm on the verge of crying. Not just for everyone else but mainly for myself. My selfish self. I'm crying on the inside. I can't do much to stop it. My eyes, they begin to water. I don't want it to happen. Next to me, is a person I can't stand. Why am I on the verge of crying? My stomach says I'm hungry but my hind says don't go.
This passion for writing is a drug. Apparently, I'ma bad person. I've lost my morals. Almost completly. I've done so much against what I used to be out of curiousity and now I'm stuck. Addicted. I'm addicted and stuck. There are surprises behind the fingers of Never Have I Ever. I've had sex, I've done drugs, I've almost resorted to doing things just for the fun of it. Why am I falling so hard.
The world has opened up another pair of paths for me. I follow one and then go back and follow another. The music that plays in my head. It leads me to the past. I want to get out of here but sometims I want to settle. I want to sit and do absolutley nothing. I don't want to go forward anymore. I want to go back. I want to get younger. I don't wan to admit all of my defeats. I don't want to let go completely. Today seems like a day to just shut my eyes and sleep. I would like that. I'm afriad that I wouldn't wake up though. My eyes are water again. Hold on a second.
The people around me seem to notice. Some of them. They ask me what is wrong. I hate to give them a lie but I don't know myself so I give them the truth and then I lie about it. I tell them that I don't know and then after that I tell them that it's nothing. I don't know what to say since it's not making sense to me either. I'm looking at how much I should write I don't think I'll stop. I don't wan to.
Tomorrow I have a competitition. It's the last one for this month. I hope. After that we have prom and otrher things. I'm on the edge I want to give in. Should I push myself off or should I walk off. I don't know. I'm still thinking. I'm thinking as I lie here almost dead from the world crumbling around me. I'm laying her thinking. I'm thinking myself to death.
Shouldn't this be illiegal? Completely lossing yourself? Shouldn't the government know what to do? No. It shouldn't. The government is made up of people. People who have insecurities and still, they hide. There are things that are blocked out. Should we speak of peace and friendship when really.. There is none? Shouldn't we have opinion.
What's so bad about telling the truth? You just say what they want you to hear and they continue to push the limit on what you say so you tell the truth. ARe you crazy? No. I'm just on the edge.
