I guess it’s not too late to introduce Boni. I just got off the phone with her mom a couple of minutes ago. I don’t know what I’m more frustrated about. The repetition in the conversation or the fact that I even got into the situation in the first place. Okay so I’ll break it down.
Boni was my freshman buddy but then became my girlfriend. We’ve been together for a month now. She’s fourteen I’m seventeen. That’s borderline legal. Once I turn eighteen this relationship is over for real. Boni started liking me during summer band because I was one of the few people who gave attention to her as much as I did. This was because I wanted to help her and guild her. When I think back on it I’ve always done that to a freshman or new person. I get to know them as I introduce myself because I like people. At first.
Boni’s mom doesn’t like our relationship. I’m too old for her and she doesn’t believe that Boni’s mature enough to handle it. Although, she also understands that if I were to break up with her right now and go out with some other girl Boni would be crushed. So. She said that it’s impossible for us to be just friends but she wants us to not date anymore.
I kept Lily up to date about this. She asked what I decided to do. As of right now. As of me sitting here typing this to you and texting her my choice is… To stay with Boni and help her mature. I want to teach her. If anything that’s what I want to do because a lot of what I’m getting from her is “I don’t know” and “I don’t care.”
I hate people like that. I really do. Knowledge isn’t just power it’s understand and it’s format. It’s the format to understand. The formula should I say? I’m getting mathematical here. Boni really is something though. I love her with all my heart but I completely understand where her mom is coming from.
I’m talking to Lily about it. Kind of not really. I’m just telling her and it’s reminding me of my mistakes when I was with her. The sucky part is that I’m telling her that I don’t want to repeat that and well. I mean, she’s the one I did it to. She’ll be my best friend no matter the cost. She’s defined being ‘just’ friends.
I’ll live out the time I do have with Boni because I care about her. We are dating. She just needs to understand what it means to be dating and how it affects her. Her mom blamed her grades on me. If anyone gets onto her for grades it’s me. I hate knowing that she’s failing or not turning in work even though she does it. I told her that with pre-ap courses comes responsibility plus a reward. Although, she has to meet the responsibility.
I’ll agree with her mom. Boni isn’t mature enough. But that’s also why I don’t want to dump her just because her mom said so and I understand. That’s just not logical to me. I mean, it is to an extent but not on an emotional stand point. First of all I’m her first boyfriend.
The first is the worst right? Not for me. Lily’s the greatest friend that I could ever have period. (Yes I added the period in on purpose). I don’t want to leave Boni with scars. Not just because it’s not worth it but because I want her to learn and I want her to understand. I care about Boni too much on a friend’s stand point.
The first time I made the mistake of cut the strings and walk away I didn’t talk to Lily for a year. And then I showed back up begging for mercy because of my stupidity. This time, I want to cut the strings later. This relationship WILL have to come to an end. Even if I don’t want it to. And you know? Maybe when she does turn eighteen we can try again. BUT I’ll be twenty two at that point and I can’t promise that I’ll be wanting to ‘try again’.
A relationship is something to learn from. In my opinion it’s very hard to find the person you’ll be with for the rest of your life. I’ll be honest. I wouldn’t mind ending up with Lily. We both have mixed feelings about each other so we stick to the idea of being above normal friends but we’re not together.
I want Boni to be like that you know? To be able to be best friends after our relationship as well as during but mainly after the break up. I WANT Boni to go out with another guy. It’d be nice to see her on her own. Do I sound normal? I mean, when I look at the guy I’ll probably be like surge of anger or surge of protection and then be okay with it. I can imagine me being in town or something and she asks me to buy her lunch so I go and bring it to the school and she’s with her boyfriend and the first moment I find out I’m like, “You make her cry. You hurt her remotely. You do ANYTHING stupid that even makes her wince. I’m sticking my foot up your ass or you’re just getting a major beating you understand me? No stupidity. Got that?”
She’s still young. I get that. Shoot. I first went out with someone when I was twelve. Both of us on the same level though. Not knowing anything and learning together. This relationship however cannot go that way especially since I’ve had experience and there’s no real learning from my stand point.
Honestly, I WOULD change our status to friends with benefits. HOWEVER. That’s not possible. She’s not at an age to where we can meet up now and then and do whatever we want. I proved to myself that I can have that kind of relationship with people and sadly I do but that’s not during a relationship ‘taken’ status.
I know one thing for sure. I don’t want to make Boni repeat what Lily did. Lily moved to get away from it all. Aside from me Boni wants to be with her friends because she has those close ones that have always been there. But the main thing that I don’t want Boni to feel is the brokenness that I made Lily feel because I threw her away and completely cut off all communication from her.
Boni needs to understand that I will do what I can to talk to her but I’m moving on in life and that’s when I have to let her do things on her own. That’s the only way she’ll learn. The biggest threat though is that if she doesn’t listen she has no choice but to move to the other school and then she’ll completely melt down. I want her to be here with her friends. I hope I can get it through to her.
I’m a guy who writes notes. Yes, I know. It’s gay. Whatever. I tend to reach out to her easier when I write to her because I’m an author and I guess since I’ve been doing this for year it just seems all the more reasonable. Although, I can’t change a person who doesn’t want to be changed. In order to change someone they have to be willing to change and willing to work with you. This is something we have to do together.
