Take me to church (Book 1)

51- Behind the mask

It had been a while.

He'll admit that at least.

The table sprinkled in loose, white grains left behind by the onslaught shows the evidence of what's occurred. It's almost like a war scene.

Charlie knows it's wrong and he promised himself he would stop.
He promised...

But recently everything has caused this. It's all been building up on his shoulders, dragging him back down to his old drug-using ways that he so desperately wanted to escape. He had been clean for so long, all that work for nothing.

His face is pale and lips blue, the entrance of his nostrils caked in the white powder, his eyes red from the substance and from lack of sleep.

He's a mess.

Carefully he collects the remnants from the table, scooping them back into a small plastic pocket. His breathing is stuttered and his hands are shaking out of his control. In a way, he's scared of what he's just done, he's not used to it and he took so much.

Then again, he'd would rather he die.

His constantly frustrating PD only makes him feel worse. He just can't control it and it's getting in the way of everything.

No one knows about his personality disorder, not even Dan. But he wishes someone knew at a time like this, a time where his true personality is shown. Not his drug using side, but his sensitive side. A side where he just wants to help others and be loved, a side where he's scared and fragile against the world.

Of course, that side is rarely seen. It's the submissive side of his personality disorder, his dominant side is quite clear by now.

A tear escapes. The now noisy sobs echo through the quiet house. Salty tears are even dripping into his mouth, his body racking with fear and depression. He so badly wants to stop crying, but he simply can't. His body needs this, it needs this emotion and pain, for so long he had kept it inside and now it was all coming out.

The tears keep running and he finds himself standing up, having to grab on to a chair, a table- even a wall just to stay upright- but in the end he crumples back in on himself like a snake.

"Fuck."

These breakdowns are happening so frequently now, just without the crying. It would just be a good ten minutes of screaming and dare he say... He cried without the tears. Because he wouldn't let them leak.

However, this time they had beaten him and he couldn't do anything about it. Slowly, Charlie was beginning to completely fall apart all over again, just like before.

He think's of Dan and how the young boy used to help Charlie through these episodes of self reflection. Dan was always there. Yes, he may never have been fond of Charlie's drug-use, but he couldn't stop it so just contributed to helping the recovery. It was a barley frequent thing when they first started dating, but then it got to the stage where Charlie would take drugs everyday. It made him more violent than usual, more stimulated and irritated. They never had a good result.

However, at a time like now where he's letting his thoughts slip under, the drugs are helping and he appreciates that. He appreciates the silence.

As Dan moves from his brain, Phil replaces him. The blue eyes of the boy representing everything that's peaceful and youthful in this world. Charlie likes Phil to a certain extent, he isn't infatuated, but he does have a soft spot for the boy. He doesn't see Phil as a threat, or a target, he may even see him as a friend.

Dan used to be Charlie's top priority, even after they broke up. Yet now, Phil is who charlie is concerned with.

There's a light knock at the door, the boy simply glancing up from where he's still laying on the floor. He'll just wait for the knocking to pass.