That was close.
"What was that all about?" Mr. Howell asks me as he shuts the door. I turn quickly and brush my fingers through my hair.
"I don't know, she just heard me when I was talking to Maci." I explain but quickly grab my forehead in distress.
"So Maci knows too? Oh god." He runs his own fingers through his hair, mirroring my stress.
"She won't say anything. I-" I try calming him down but he ignores me.
"That doesn't matter. We were caught by two people, and we risked a lot doing this. This isn't right, we need to stop this. I don't know how it got to this point, how did I allow this to happen?" He takes a seat on his bed and buried his head in his hands.
"Why are you saying it like that? Am I that bad?" I ask looking at my fingers with nervousness.
"No, you're not bad. It's me. I shouldn't be doing this to you. I should just..." He trails, he couldn't form his next sentence.
"I'm fine with this, I don't understand why-"
"But I'm not. This is driving me insane with guilt. Why can't you understand that I'm hurting? Why don't you understand anything?" He says boiling with anger as he lays in his bed. I feel a lump in my throat, and suddenly I feel like I don't belong.
"I'm sorry." I say with a bit of attitude as I walk out of his room. I rush out with tears forming in my eyes.
Why does he keep making me feel like I'm some type of burden? Doesn't he consider that saying these things may hurt me? I'm not someone he could decide to dispose of and use when he wants. Maci was right, he did hurt me badly.
I don't know where I'm going, I feel hurt and lost. I walk over to the little hill I saw near the dining hall and walk down it in a rush. I walk down the hill and take a seat, staring at the lake nearby.
Why does it have to be so difficult?
Why can't it be simple? I just wanted him, what would happen if we're caught? I'm eighteen, in a private boarding school. I hardly doubt anything bad would happen, especially considering the fact that I might leave this school in a week.
I huff and wrap my arms around my knees. I don't even know why I'm going through all this trouble to just be with him. I got what I wanted, I had sex with him but why do I feel like I've accomplished nothing? I keep wanting more and more.
"Omera..." I hear him say in a quiet voice, he takes a seat next to me on the grass, placing a hand on my shoulder.
"Leave me alone." I brush him off me.
"I'm sorry for how I acted. You know I didn't mean to hurt you, I was just...frustrated. I shouldn't have lashed out on you like that." He apologizes in a soft voice.
It's at these moments when I truly realize he's much more older and mature than I am. I would never be able to apologize, I'd fight to prove I'm right.
"Just try explaining to me again why you don't want to be with me." I request him and he nods, holding my hand as he does so. I'm surprised he's not angry since this is like the hundredth time he had to explain.
"Listen, you're still growing up, and learning things. You still haven't experienced life in the way you deserve to. You may think you want me to be apart of that but I guarantee you that I'm just going to ruin your life. And in addition to that I'm not fully aware of how to handle being in a relationship with someone who is still growing. I'll just hurt you unintentionally, and I don't want that. I really like you Omera, I can't even begin to explain it. I want you to be happy in the end." He explains in a quiet voice, he sounds like he's writing an essay.
I look at him with the same look I give him whenever he brings up this speech but this time I take it into consideration.
Not only is he talking about me getting hurt, he's talking about himself as well. Tonight felt like a warning of some sort. We were close to getting caught, we shouldn't play around anymore, because eventually we will be caught.
"I understand, but just know that I'm not doing this for me. I'm doing it for you." I explain as get up from the floor and walk back without a word.
"Wait." He says as he grabs my wrist and pull me to him.
"What?" I question, I thought this is over, what else could he possibly want?
"Just one more time, as a goodbye." He requests, leaning close to my face. I blink slowly, considering it.
A kiss couldn't hurt, right?
I smile, leaning in but he only kisses my forehead. My eyes snap open with a look of disappointment, he smiles sadly before looking at my lips.
"I'm sorry, I just..." He looks in my eyes again and I don't let him finish. I connect our lips quickly, feeling the same roughness of his lips from all the times he has bit them.
"I don't care, just kiss me." I dismiss him.
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