The (not so) Sweet Serendipity

6

It took me forever to get over Richard (How I finally got over him let's leave to another chapter, okay?).

"First, you think the worst is a broken heart

What's gonna kill you is the second part

And the third, Is when your world splits down the middle

And fourth, you're gonna think that you fixed yourself

Fifth, you see them out with someone else

And the sixth, is when you admit that you may have fucked up a little"

Tangina ng kantang yan. Sobrang tagos. Naiiyak nanaman ako. Yun na yun, Maine eh. Nasayo na o. Nothing prepared me for this break up and how my heart broke. Have you ever had your heart broken before? I think every person that has had their hearts broken can relate to the song because it is just so annoyingly true. Sabi pa nila, first love never dies. Pano nako niyan?  

I had to unfriend him and Louise on Facebook. I didn't care whether people were going to talk, but I needed to stop seeing their pictures. Another difference between me and Louise is that she is (extra) showy and posts EVERYTHING on Facebook. I don't think I can handle seeing more (sweet) pictures of them together. 

Ginusto mo 'to diba? Ikaw nakipag-break diba? I would tell the girl in the mirror everyday. I pushed him away. I lost him. Ang tanga mo, Maine. I would stop my thoughts there as tears were starting to well up again. It was almost Christmas and this is the first time that I am going home to visit ever since our break up. 

If I were given a chance to go back in time I think my decision would still be the same. I would still choose to leave for University. I would still choose to leave Richard. That decision of leaving back in 2009 was for myself, I needed to leave. It wasn't that I was unhappy. I just felt like I needed to give myself a chance to grow outside my comfort zone.

Surprisingly it was only Valeen who actually directly talked to me about it. She must've felt how broken I was because she was actually coming here to see me. She said she'd just bring food over and we could just stay in. I was very thankful for this because I didn't want to bawl in public, which I was 100% sure will happen. 

There was a knock. I opened it and hugged Valeen. I missed her and I haven't seen her for a while. I haven't even welcomed her in or closed the door yet, not so surprisingly, I was already crying on Valeen's shoulders. 

She let me (she has no idea how much I needed that) and we were like that for a bit. When I finally kind of got a grip. We went in and set up in the living room.

I realised right away that this was the first time I cried in front of someone. I slowly told her what happened but still didn't open up fully because I felt that this was something between me and Richard only. I didn't want to say the wrong things just because I am hurting. I heard nothing but encouragement from her.

"I want you to know that I am here for you if you need anyone to talk to."

"I know that. I'm sorry for not keeping in touch."

"That's okay. I guessed you needed that space. But please, know that you have friends that you can talk to if you need someone to talk to. Don't keep it all in there." She was pointing to my heart and I understood what she meant. I just nodded.

"The first is the sweetest yet at the same time ito rin ang pinakamasakit. First heartbreaks are never easy. Well any heartbreak is not easy. Moving on is a process. Huwag mong madaliin." Valeen would continue. Yup, I sure know that now. 

The night went on okay. The only time I cried was that earlier when she arrived and no tears fell during dinner until the time she already had to leave. When I was all alone in my place again, I actually found myself smiling. I loved Valeen. And I sure do appreciate her coming here. I think I needed this and this was good for me. There were no judgements just sincere and genuine concern for me. 

But again there was that ache in my chest when I realise there was something I was longing to get from this meet up with her. When I look back at the things Valeen said, there was nothing to make me hopeful. The words I wanted to hear (such as "magkakabalikan rin kayo", "okay lang yan, kayo naman talaga in the end" or "mahal ka nun") I didn't hear from her. And I got really disappointed. I didn't even know that I was unconsciously hoping to hear those things. 

And yup as if on cue, here come the tears.

Pwede ba yun, soulmate mo pero di kayo sa ending?