The (not so) Sweet Serendipity

11.5

I was happily counting down the days. Of course, I have to admit, everyday there was a little part of me hoping that this would be the day na magpaparamdam na sakin si Richard.

I had a good day in work and I was feeling giddy all through out the day. What a good start to my year. I was claiming it, 2015 will be a good year. It's been a while since I had such positive energy. I bet my colleagues felt it too.

Back in my place now, deciding what to have for dinner, I decided to invite Kenneth over. I feel like having beer and just have a good chat with a good friend.

Yes. That will be a perfect end to my day.

Kenneth finally arrives, yay!

I help him set up the food and drinks in our usual spot in my living room and I start to tell him how good my day has been. We didn't really have the chance to talk in the firm today 'cause well I haven't seen him the whole day at work actually, which was odd now that I think about it, where was he? Why didn't I see him the whole day?

"Hindi ka pumasok today? I asked him just out of curiosity.

"Ha? Pumasok." He answers. But there was something in his tone that it sounded a bit defensive. So I didn't let it go just yet.

"Ahh, wala lang. Parang hindi ata kita nakita the whole day? Kahit kaninang lunch..." I trail off and just looked at him.

He was staring at his food. That's unusual.

"Hey." I get his attention, "Everything okay?"

Ano kayang meron dito? I don't think I've seen Kenneth this bothered. Tama kaya na I insist and find out what's wrong.

"Kenneth, you know you have always been there for me. I want you to know that I am here for you too. If there was anything that was bothering you and you just needed a friend to lend you an ear, I'm here. I'm all ears."

We eat in silence. Kenneth's vibe didn't change. He was just there all gloomy. Hindi ako nakatiis. I reached out my hand and felt his forehead.

"May sakit ka ba? Hmm, hindi ka naman mainit." I dig deep in my thoughts to try and figure out if there was something he mentioned before or what day it was.

Nothing.

I was in too good of a mood. So I started to shake him. Hindi pako lasing, one beer down pa lang naman. I was just feeling all hyper and full of energy.

"Nakausap mo ba si Valeen recently?" He finally talks. I'm so happy. Pero ang labo ah. Nagulat ako sa tanong niya. Sobrang random naman.

"Hindi eh. Siguro last time was nung new year's pa? Or maybe before our flight. Why?"

"Ahh, ganun ba. Wala lang naman." Ayan nanaman siya. Ang hirap ng ganito ha. I was getting impatient despite my happy mood because this was far from how I pictured ending my awesome day.

"Kenneth, seryoso na. Bakit ka nagkakaganyan? Anong meron? At huwag mong sasabihin wala lang." Hindi siya makatingin. Something is up. Feel na feel ko na. No doubt.

"This is so not you. Just say it, ano ba yang kinikimkim mo diyan? Hindi ka naman babae para mag-PMS ah." I stared at him long and hard.

Ano kayang meron dito. Oh my god, is he about to cry?

"Uy, I'm sorry. Hindi nako mangengealam. Sorry. If it's that bad na hindi mo pa kaya sabihin sakin, it's okay. I understand. Sorry if makulit." I told him sincerely. Hindi pa tumutulo luha niya pero andun na.

I started to rub his arm to make him feel better. Then he grabs both my hands and looks at me straight in the eyes. Looking at each other now, I saw how much whatever it was was bothering him and I was starting to feel bad for him.

"I'm sorry if pinipilit kitang sabihin, you don't have to tell me now." I give his hands a squeeze. I hope he felt my sincerity.

"Shhh." He shhh-ed me. So I stopped talking.

Still holding my hands, he closed his eyes and took one deep breath. Inhale. Exhale. He opens them and looks at me again. This time I felt he was about to say something so I kept quiet and waited. I was starting to get his negative energy that I was feeling quite anxious already as he was holding my hands firmly and then he spoke.

"I hate to be the bearer of bad news. But I will hate it more if I don't tell you this... Nagkabalikan si Richard at Louise." He stops there to observe my reaction before he continues.

"I got the news this morning." There goes my tears starting to well up. Tangina. Joke ba 'to? No, Kenneth would never joke about this.

I'm connecting the dots now. That's why I didn't see him earlier, he must have been avoiding me. Knowing Kenneth and knowing me, hindi malayong mag break down ako sa work.

Pucha naman o, bawal ba ako maging masaya? Nakakatakot pala sumobra ng saya. Bilis nung bawi eh. The moment the words came out of his mouth, nagkabalikan sila, not only was my heart ripped out but it was stepped on and spat at. My chest tightens. This was too much to bear and I can only take so much. The years of hurting and longing was starting to take its toll.

If my day started out filled with colors, now it's all black and white. Hindi ko na alam. Wala na akong na process sa sinasabi ni Kenneth. I bent my head down, cried in my hands that he was still holding, and gave up. He didn't even try to comfort me I think, he allowed me to be swallowed up by this pain. He allowed me to feel this pain completely.

I cried my heart out again that night as if it was the first time to get my heart broken again and the next night night and the next night. You'd think that since it has been more than four years that I'd be used to the pain already? No, it does not work that way unfortunately. Chard. Why not me? I cried and called out his name until my tears run out. I was drained in all aspects, physically, emotionally, I had nothing more to give. Napapagod nako. Hindi ko na alam kung san pako huhugot ng lakas.

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To be continued...