memoir(^○^)

lxxvv. the things i want for you

I want you to be happy.

I  want you to live a very happy life—not just the usual-happy but the dancing-on-air happy. I want you to stop carrying the weight of the world on your shoulder—not everything is your fault sometimes it's just bound to happen. I want you to take a good care of yourself and sleep properly—though there's nightmare, but dreams are sometimes nice too, so sleep early, you'll thank yourself in the morning. I want you to never stop pursuing what you want to pursue and value yourself more—you are more than what you think and I believe that all those years you've spent believing in your dreams will not go in vain. 

There are so many things that I want for you; because you deserve every good that the universe can give. You've been a really great person all these time—you were there for me, you took a good care of me when I was low, you treated me so nicely and you even try to fix me. I appreciate every single little things that you have done for me. Never for once I met someone who treated me they way you did. It was nice. Too nice. For all these seventeen years, people always misunderstood me, believing what they wanted to believe without looking for the fact. But you, dear God, you tried your best to understand me and you stood there even when I was being a huge pain in the ass. 

I want to give you the whole damn universe if I could. I'll bring it and put it right in your hand but you see, eventually, just like what Miranda Bailey said, I'm too busy holding my self with tape and glue. 

I am a paradox. I've been in pieces for far too long and I tend to lie even for the small things.  I talk a lot and I tell people stories but I'm just telling them what I want to tell and not telling them about who I really am. Because the truth is I never really open my self up. There's always this huge walls around me that I'll never brave enough to break down. I never really trust people. And that's why you won't be able to fix me—because I'm messier than you think I am. And if there's someone who can fix me, it will be myself. But you see, even me fail the task. So for now, I'm just waiting for time to heal me and I really do wish one day I could wake up and regain my trust for the world and people on it since I don't have any right now. 

I will never stop feeling guilty towards you—because I keep letting you down when all you did was help me up. And so I want you to be happy. I need you to be happy. Because even if this guilt hanging upside-down inside me, knowing you're happy will put me a little at ease. I don't deserve to feel at ease, I know, that's just my selfish side speaking. But I really want you to be happy. 

Those are the things that I want for you but I'll never have the chance to say. Now, I think you realize that I may be a good creators of tiny imaginary little world. But I'm not really good at telling people how I really feel. Things that I want to say will always come out wrong. So I keep it to myself and pour it here because I'm safe here, I am me and I can just be honest with everything.

This is not a goodbye, of course. This is just me asking you to be happy and this is just me trying to get my self together. I wish you a good laugh and good friends and good time and a whole good life. And though this will sound stupid, I wish you'll forgive me for all the troubles and pain that I've put you through. Never for once it was my intention. I can't say that I'm that good of a person but I never have the desire to hurt someone. 

And when the timing is right, when the world's less chaotic, when things get easier, when the universe's on our side and when you and I are align;

then maybe I'll see you soon.