based on episode 11 (clay's tape) of 13 reasons why. i'm going to put a trigger warning bc there will be talk of suicide later, but not like heavy talk. the tape also won't be the same, i'm just going to write a snippet of it and that's it
SHAWN'S POV
My hands were shaking uncontrollably as I flipped the tape and inserted it in. Gilinsky sat next to me, waiting for my next move. He wanted to be here with me when I listened to my tape; it has to be bad. I couldn't wait any longer though, so I pressed play.
This next tape isn't like any of the other ones. In all honesty, I don't even know if you should be on here. You were there for me all the time, but one mess up happens and we act completely different around each other.
Shawn...guitar boy...
I pressed pause and stared off into the distance. The city was lit up at night, the moon also shining down on us.
"You okay?" Jack asked slowly.
I nodded quickly, pressing play again.
You didn't cause as much pain as the others, but the outcome of what happened between us, it hurt. When we started to make out at Jessica's party, so many bad memories came flashing back; I had to stop. We argued, but then you left. God I wish you would've stayed and that hurt.
However, in that moment I knew I didn't deserve you. You're smart, kind, loving, and the best guy I know. I can't believe I'm saying this right now, but I loved – I do love you. You made my heart ache every day and I didn't know if that was a good or bad thing.
I stopped the tape and took my headphones off all in one motion. Tears were already starting to come out of my eyes and so many thoughts went through my head. What if I hadn't left? What if I told her I loved her then and said that we should be together? I loved a girl who was dead and there was no way of bringing her back.
My thoughts were stopped when Jack's hand grabbed my arm and pulled me back. "Get away from the edge!"
It was just then I noticed how close to the edge of the cliff I was. I didn't know how to feel right now. "Did I kill Y/N Y/L/N?"
"No," Jack shook his head. "We all had a part in it.
"Did I kill Y/N Y/N/L?!" I whip my head back and yell even louder. "Just fucking tell me!"
Jack stayed silent and looked anywhere but me. "Yes."
My hands shoot for my hair and I tug at it in anger. I honestly didn't know what to feel right now: rage? Depression? "I wish I never listened to those tapes."
I started to walk, passing Jack's car. I wanted to walk home; I deserved to walk home. Jack called out for, but I didn't listen to him. My thoughts were on Y/N and our last happy moment together. It was at Jessica's party, we hung out the whole time. Things got heated between us when we went into a bedroom; the taste of alcohol was on her lips, but I was finally kissing her. That was our one and only kiss before she pushed me away and told me to get out. I didn't know what to do then, so I just left.
I should've stayed and comforted her. I should've done more. Now because I didn't, I cost a girl her life.
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wow that was really depressing to write. sorry if you guys are crying lol. i'm actually almost done with the show, i'm in the middle of episode 13 and i don't want it to end. but with the show, just know that i'm always here if you need to talk loves :)
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