Broken Things (A Supernatural FanFic)

Chapter 39: A Warm Soft Light

            I closed my eyes and held to Cas. I felt a sudden chill on my cheek. I opened my eyes and stood back from Cas. We were standing beside the house that I remember from my childhood. I looked up at it now and it seemed smaller.

            “Cas, why’d-“ I stared before I saw my younger self running across the yard toward the door. I stopped and watched my little self run, mesmerized to see myself. Cas took a step toward me and set a hand on my shoulder.

            “John!” My little self screamed in agony. “Dean bit me!” My little voice was so high pitched and it just seemed to float on forever in my ears.

            I watched is surprise as a little boy ran behind me as fast as he could. I knew it was Dean, he was wearing his signature four layers and had his little hair all spiked up.

            “It was an accident!” He called. “We were playing hunting and- it was an accident!”

            I wanted to follow them in the house as they disappeared but Cas held me back. I watched as a light appeared softly in the yard. It was warm and I knew that no one else could’ve seen it. It was a guardian. I turned and stared at Cas.

            He shrugged. “I was there the whole time. Anytime you were in pain I was there.” He looked down at his shoes. “And I will be there anytime you have pain now. I know that Lucifer is really hurting you and it is hard for you. I just want you to know that I wont let you down.”

            I felt tears surface. “Thanks, Cas. Funny how it started out that I was watching you, and now you are watching me.”

            He looked up at me with a sad smile. He took my hand in his and started to walk me away from the house. I didn’t know where we were then. We seemed to be walking just along a road in the middle of nowhere surrounded by forrest.

            “I like to come here and think sometimes. Just be alone with my thoughts.” Cas explained when he let go of my hand.

            I watched our steps insync and became hypnotized by it. “What are you thinking now?”

            “God.” He whispered softly.

            I looked up at the long road ahead of us. “Do you think about him often?”

            “More than I would like. I am just so furious that he abandoned humanity.” His voice broke off.

            I shook my head slowly. “You are furious that he abandoned you.”

            He didn’t say anything for a while until I heard his soft sigh. “I am angry that he left me here with so many questions. I am angry that Lucifer has a chance at winning. I am angry that you are in pain and I am angry that my mind is scrambled.”

            I looked over to see him staring at the road in front of him with a blank stare. “Do you know why I fell? Over than I wanted to know what emotions and feelings were?”

            He caught my stare and nodded.

            “I couldn’t take the constant knowing. Humans are always saying that they want to know a God is there and that that would make life easier to live. Just to know something is out there. But knowing, where is the mystery? Is it an eternity more of just following God’s blind orders? A numb immortal life? I didn’t want that. Even as an angel I knew it wasn’t for me. After so many centuries I finally got the courage to fall. But I didn’t want to take a vessel. I didn’t want to take over someone else’s life and I didn’t want to remember my time as an angel. I wanted to walk around ignorant like all the other people. And for a while, I was happy. Even when I felt like shit it was more fulfilling than my statue life up there in so called heaven.” I took a breath and stuffed my hands into my pockets.

            He thought it over before he thought out what to say. “The man that I took over, his family is dead. He doesn’t want to live anymore. He gladly gave me this body back and he doesn’t want it back again. If I wanted, I could be human. I could resign my powers and the man in me would go to heaven where he wants. I could be an ordinary man.”

            “Ordinary.” I smiled and nudged him with my shoulder. “I don’t think that is the right word.”

            He smiled at me. “If I was human and I stayed close to you and the Winchesters, would you protect me?”

            I smiled widely. “What kind of a question is that? Of course. I just want you to make sure that is what you want to do… there isn’t going back from clipping your wings.”

            He nodded. “I know. It is bad timing with everything that is going on now. Maybe after… if there is an after.”

            I reached over and hooked my arm around his. I gave him a warm smile. “I promise that one day you will get to be an ordinary man.” I made a mental not of how many promises I was making and if I really could guarantee them all. “If you promise me that when you are human, you will still hang out with lame old me.”

            His arm tightened around mine. “Never will I leave your side.”