You Don't Know

Preface

I don't know if I should give life another chance. I don't know if it really deserves to be lived. I was trying my best lately to convince myself that life is a gift but what if it's not? I mean it's filled with problems and a lot of people dislike it. Usually, we don't dislike the gifts even if in a way or another it's not how we expected it to be, not how we loved it to be. A gift is always a gift and it always makes people happy. But life is totally a different one I suppose. This is another type which is really confusing. Sometimes, it just throws a lot of unwanted things on your face and you should just accept that. But first of all you need to accept the fact that you're not the one to make the decision. Even if people say all the time that the human's life is composed of decisions that he took since he became conscious I don't think it's something logical or even believable. Because in fact, every one is put in a position which leads him to take a decision. And sometimes, he can't choose the right one because there aren't options. All he has is a decision that life pushed him to take as his own. But it's not. Life is the one who decided and the human is the slave who listened to her and did what she wants him to do. And sometimes, life gives the human what he wants. It gives him the chance to be happy and to live with the ones he loves. It just makes him believe that he's happy but once he's convinced that this is the happy ending something bad happens and the happiness is quickly replaced by a bad feeling, anger, sadness, guilt or sickness. This is how it goes and people keep trying to get more good moments to finally be proud of themselves. To tell their grand sons in the future that they won the battle against life. But in fact, life is still there in a corner listening to all the stories you tell a smirk on the face and maybe she would play games with you. Throw more problems on your face or she can just ignore your stories and leave you in peace until you leave and pass away. This is how she does when you're old enough but sometimes she prefers mocking you when you're still young. You can even consider her mocks as a threat. Because when she does mock you, she puts you in a disaster and keeps looking at you with a grin on the face just waiting for you to make a move. And this move is what will decide what will happen next. Wether you win or loose. And the most popular joke: the accident. You can be in your car going back to your family while life is putting the mask of a good one and making you believe you're happy and BAM! Another car appears out of nowhere just to crash you accidentally. You can be lucky so life will give you a chance to continue living. Or it can easily make you leave and TADA! You're dead. You're just out even though you didn't prepare yourself. So we can never say that humans can win the war against life. Because maybe if you're capable you can win some battles but you'll never have the honor to win the war.
Here I am for example one of those people who are betrayed by life. I always was the little girl who had a lot of problems and didn't know how to solve them. Once she wins a battle she finds herself into another one. And the last one was the hardest. And now I'm laying on a bed in a hospital with a machine allowing me to live.
"Just hold on" someone says next to me. "Just hold on"  is a good encouragement but the question is: do I really want to hold on? If I do why? I don't know the answer but I need it. I need to make a decision wether i want to be in or to be out. Wether I want to decline this special gift which is life or accept it. I need reasons to live. Reasons to accept the gift.
"Would you die for me?" someone asked me once.
"Yes I would" I answered.
"No! That's an easy question. Would you live for me? This is the hard one" the same person said.
Silence. No answer.
"Would you?" The voice pressed.
I don't know! Would I? I need to think.
"Yes, yes I would live" I responded.
What? No! I should think first! I don't want to live! I want to die! Dying is easier than living. But now I have no clue to change the decision life made me take once. The sounds are fading and I think it's time when life forces you to be in. Again. But at least I need to take a decision myself. Before going back to be the same girl I was before the accident. I'm going to forget everything. Every detail of my old life.I want to be another girl. I want to change. And I'm just going to start with forgetting. This is my first step in my new life. I'm going to be a divergent. No more decisions taken by life for me!