You Don't Know

55

*Peach*

The car stopped in the parking lot of the hospital. I was clutching at the box still posed on my lap. The pictures were safely back inside. All of the memories that I've lost were now locked in here. They always were. Since the moment my brain let go of them. Luke has kept them safe, not only inside this box but also in his mind and heart. 

But even though I had proof, I couldn't get the memories back. I just couldn't remember a damn thing. But why? 

Is it me? what's wrong with me?  When Michael told me about Calum's death, my mind could wrap itself around that fact. I could recall the mourning, the crying and the pain. It all just came back in flashes. Not as clear as day but at least it did.

_ Aren't you coming out? Evelyn's voice snatched me away from these thoughts clouding my mind.

She was already out of the car knocking on my window. How did she get in there? I didn't even notice her leaving the truck. I was too haunted by all the thinking and I wasn't aware af anything happening around me.

She was waiting patiently for me to follow her but I could see her brows furrowing a bit. She was in a hurry. The only thing she wanted to do was to go inside the building to see Luke. I wonder how she managed to come to me first to convince me to go with her! She must've been aching. Every minute she spends away from Luke not knowing how he's doing she grows more and more anxious. She was also scared. Scared that I'll change my mind and leave. 

 How long has she been waiting for me anyway? 

I shouldn't let her wait more. I opened the door and got out of the car. 

The second I put my feet on the ground and the breeze of air touched my face, my breathing accelerated. Evelyn smiled at me. She wanted me calm and collected. She knew that any tiny mistake she makes, she could release a monster. She was walking on thin ice and she was fully aware. I knew it too but I smiled back at her anyway. 

She entered the hospital and I followed her. Her state of mind was changing with every step she took. Her nervousness was clearer now, her eagerness started to surface. I was behind her. My state of mind changing too. Every step I took forward weighed on me. I could choke on the tension building up already. Even though it was all in my head.

What was I doing here? Why did I accept to come? 

I knew nothing about Luke. I knew nothing about "us". Hell, I didn't even know who I am, who I was back then. I had no trace left of that Peach. She was long gone. God knows I wanted her back. I needed her to come and tell me what I've missed. She knew a lot of stuff that I didn't. She not only took my memories away with her but also my feelings. 

I was supposed to feel for Luke. I was supposed to be as panicked as Evelyn, even more. But I didn't and I felt like shit for that. 

What kind of monster am I? Why couldn't I just remember something tiny to ignite that part of me that knows better. Maybe it was still there somewhere. Perhaps it was just dormant this whole time but I could trigger it with an image, a memory.

Except that I couldn't. I tried but it didn't work. The harder I tired the more it got darker. 

Does this make me a bad person? 

Yes. Probably.

Maybe I wasn't trying hard enough?

And what does that make me look like? The biggest bitch to ever exist.

And what about Ashton? Sure, we didn't do the deed but technically I was cheating on Luke which makes me a bigger bitch.

I sighed. It was all messed up. 

We were standing in front of the elevator now. Evelyn's hand reached for mine and her eyes were searching for any concern to chase it away.

Wasn't she the kindest? Even though she was hurting she was making sure I wasn't.

We stepped inside the cabin and the higher we got the more stressed I became.

Evelyn was next to me trying to control her breathing.

I looked at her. She was trembling like a leaf, her face was pale and her eyes bloodshot. On the other hand I was fine. The only signs of fear were in my head and they were all about me. 

"Because I love him" She told me earlier.

She loved Luke. She really cared for him. Nothing speaks more than her actions. Everything she did screamed love and affection. 

But what I was about to do was not based on love. Empathy or guilt maybe but not love. In all cases I was going to lie. But Luke didn't deserve to be lied to. I, of all people, knew that lying sucked. 

I mean what was I going to do anyway? Holding his hand telling him that I knew I was his girlfriend and that I loved him again? 

Bullshit!

I'd never be able to do that. Not to him, to Evelyn or to myself. 

Who was I to ever compete with her? We weren't on the same level of anything. 

I couldn't possibly love Luke more than she does. Not now anyway and maybe not ever.

The elevator's doors opened and Evelyn rushed out of the cabin but I stayed still. When she realized I wasn't following her she turned to me with questioning eyes.

" I'm sorry" I mouthed and pressed the button to the ground floor.

I heard her screaming "no" when the doors closed again but I knew I did the right thing.

At least, I spared Luke a big lie.