Ang Multo sa Manhole 3 (completed)

Yogurt says 42

Eleison's POV

Nang makauwi ako sa unit galing school, pader kagad ang una kong binati. But of course, gamit ulo. Inuntog ko because I'm just pissed off. With myself. For being such a coward. Again.

Why, I couldn't bring myself to tell Mark that I miss him. That I miss him here. Because if I do, I'll lose.

Not that I ever win.

Kung meron man akong napagtagumpayan 'yon na siguro 'yong nabuhay pa ako after ng accident sa Italy.

And now while sitting on the floor, my head still resting on the wall, I wonder, kung namatay sana ako no'n wala na sanang complications tulad nito - 'yong maiinlove ka sa kaibigan mong kaibigan lang ang tingin sayo.

Again, inuntog ko ang ulo, as if this would bring me back to my senses. And until I stop having romantic feeling towards Mark, di ko masasabing bumalik na ko sa ulirat.

But it's like the walls don't get it. I still have romantic feelings for him.

And getting rid of him was the best thing my foolish mind thought of to unfeel the feeling. But silly me, walang control z.

When he asked me 'ano bang problema mo?' I can't even provide a specific answer. I just can't. Pwede kong sabihing 'Dahil mahal kita!' or 'Dahil di mo 'ko mahal.' But either of the two would probably cringe the sh!t out of him.

Mahal niya nga lang kasi ako as a friend. Bat di pa rin 'yon mag-sink in, Eleison?

He can't kiss you like you want or touch you as you like.

Muli, inuntog ko ang ulo ko. Di ko na alam pinagsasabi ko. I even sounded desperate. Kadiri. Granted magic spells are real, I would want my post-amnesiac memories gone and my post-amnesiac heart reformat.

Escapist?

Probably.

Maybe I want to escape the part where I love but was unrequited or the scene where I cried but were never dried.

Or maybe I just want to escape the fact that I got HIV.

I don't know about it and yet I got it.

It was the time no'ng dalawin ako nila Eiji sa ospital when he insisted that I got tested.

Even though ang sabi niya 3 months pa dapat magpa-test after ng contact, I agreed to do it right away. Naro'n kasi 'yong concern sa mga mata niya, nakikita ko.

It was confidential. Kaming dalawa lang at yong medtech ang may ideya.

At 'yong time naman na pinaalis ko si Mark dito sa unit was the time I get the result.

I'm not expecting na magpo-positive ako but when the medtech said it -face to face, natigilan ako. I have cold sweats, fast heartbeat and more erratic mind.

Positive ako, which just justified tito's claim na nagalaw niya na ako noon pa.

And last night, I went to google to learn more about it and I was horrified. Yong takot ko sa sarili, takot ko na baka makahawa at takot ko sa mata ng iba, ayon, nagsama.

Statistically, men who have sex with men rates the highest among the cases. Pero ang broad ng category. Not to mention, parang ini-imply pa na with consent yong pakikipag-sex na 'yon.

E paano naman yong mga na-pwersa? Those who did not consent to sex but now infected!?

I feel victimized. I feel my worthlessness is close to nothing.

Mahirap ipagwalang-bahala; yong kailangan mong i-muster lahat ng mental strength mo to ignore the label and pretend like you're not positive when it has the record to prove.