memories | shawn mendes

52

10th March 2019

I've been feeling uneasy for five days now. THANKFULLY, I already had an appointment to find out the gender so we could just see if anything, god forbid was wrong with baby. We had two names if it's a girl, Eliza and Ellie. If it was a boy we have Ryan and Blake.

***
"So you got any names for baby?" The doctor said as he was preparing.

"If its a girl Eliza or Ellie, boy, Ryan or Blake." Daniel spoke up

"Mum? What do you want?"

"A baby girl." I smiled and chuckled "I will be happy with either one, as long as baby is safe and well."

"Well, lets get going!!" He smiled.

We started to look around. I looked at Daniel and smiled then he went down and pecked my lips.

"Oh?" Left the doctors mouth. I looked at his face and seemed worried.

"What is it?" Daniel asked

"Ummm.. this is the hardest part of my job."

"What is it?" I felt like bursting into tears. I knew exactly what it was.

"Have you bled during this pregnancy at any point?"
He questioned.

"Mmhm." I nodded feeling an instant guilt rush over me.

"Alissa?" Daniel said. "When? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Two days ago.." I looked up at him.

"What? Who did you tell?"

"Mum, she told me not to worry because if you bleed, it doesn't 100% mean you've miscarried."

"I'm so sorry for you loss.." the doctor spoke up not letting Daniel add in another word. "I'll let you guys talk before we start thinking about how we are going to deliver the baby."

He left the room. Daniel sat down next to me. I hugged him and cried into his shoulder. I rubbed my back telling me it was going to be okay but I knew he was hurting too.

***

We walked out to the hospital. Daniel unlocked the car. He went in and sat down. The radio started playing, I opened the door turned the radio all the way down and sat in the back. Tears rolled down my face. I sat in the corner of the car with my back resting on the door. There was just a silence in the car. Daniel didn't bother saying a word.

We stopped at a red light. He looked back at me and kissed my cheek. I gave him a weak smile and looked out of the window trying not to make any eye contact, knowing it would break me.

"Alissa, please look at me?" Daniel voice broke each word he spoke

I shook my head no biting down on my bottom lip as my heart broke. "No, I just want to go home and sleep."

"Alright then." He huffed and looked back at the front and carried on driving.

***

We walked into the house threw my shoes and bag on the floor and went to our bedroom. Daniel took my hand. "Get off of me Daniel. I don't want to talk."

"YOU HID FROM ME THAT YOU MISCARRIED OUR BABY!! DONT YOU THINK IM HURTING!" he shouted spit going everywhere.

"JUST GET OFF OF ME!!" I cried taking Daniels hand off of me.

"Alissa. Babe! Please just talk to me!!!"

I stormed out of the room and went to the bedroom. I just want to be alone. I laid in my bed crying into the blanket. I covered my mouth with my hand and sobbed harder hoping Daniel couldn't hear me. The door creaked open. I didn't flinch.

He crawled into bed next to me and spooned. He kissed my neck softly and sweetly trying to make me feel better. "It's okay.." he whispered in my neck and moving the hair. My breath hiccuped and I sniffled.

I turned around and kissed his lips gently "I love you,
I'm sorry." I rubbed my hand up and his arm and down his leg as it comforted me.

"Get some rest..." he whispered.