Dear Future Husband

November 27, 2018

Dear Future Husband,

I feel like a fool.

I always screw up around Donovan and it's so embarrassing. Even the little things seemed to make such a big impact.

A bunch of us were hanging out at the mall and one of his friends, Spencer, said something like "It's so hot in here." and I awkwardly replied in front of the whole group "Because Donovan is here." and everyone just stared at me, it was awful. I didn't say anything else the whole rest of the trip.

Donovan and I always do flirty stuff like that around each other, it just seemed so natural to say. I guess it wasn't ok around his friends though, with them I had to keep my words to a minimum.

I feel like I never know what to say around them and have to evaluate every sentence I plan to throw from my mouth. They all just fit together so perfectly and I'm just like an awkward puzzle piece crammed into the pattern. Sometimes I wish I just knew what to do.

Sometimes I regret being in the so called "popular" crowd, just because it takes so much effort to please everyone. Everything seems so much more complicated around them and I find myself wearing a mask around them, literally and figuratively. Suddenly I'm curling my hair every morning and spending half an hour getting just the right contour and shrinking my pants to make my butt look bigger. Suddenly "like" is a regular fixture in my vocabulary and my laugh sounds like some sort of synthetic Barbie laugh and having anything less than forty streaks on Snapchat sends me into panic mode. Everything has to be perfect or I'm out.

It's stupid thinking that's what you have to do to be "popular". Is it even worth it? I don't think so, but I like Donovan a lot and to be with him, I have to meet the standards of the people he hangs out with.

Sometimes I just wish I knew who you were so I could stop wasting my time with the cool kids and just be with you.

Unless you are the cool kids.

In that case, I'm going to have to keep trying.

Xoxo, Alina