Dear Future Husband

August 20, 2020

Dear Grant,

Saying goodbye to you is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Today was the day I sent you off to college. You got recruited to Duke for lacrosse, and when we learned that they gave you an offer, I was so happy for you, I really was, but I also felt sick. You were going to be 3000 miles away from me, and it finally dawned on me that we're in highschool, and we have a lot before us.

I smiled through the signing ceremony, and graduation, and shopping for your dorm, but on the inside, I'm losing my mind. I don't know what I'm going to do without my best friend, partner in crime, and boyfriend.

We decided last month that-- as hard as it was going to be-- we were going to make it work. We would call each other at least once a week--because we both knew how busy we were. We would stay loyal to each other, see each other every second of every day when you came home on breaks, and maybe once I year I would fly out to see you. We would wait it out until the summer, but I knew this wasn't going to work.

Calls weren't even close to seeing each other in person, and you would be in college. There would be so many other girls and you would miss out on the full college experience if you had a cyber girlfriend 3000 miles away holding you back. Breaks were so short and infrequent and were meant for relaxing and family, and I didn't want to be your only focus during the only time you have in Seattle. Summer would be our sanctuary time, but for how long? Soon, I'll be at college too, and you'll be looking for internships, and our lives aren't going to be focused in Seattle. College is a time for yourself, and you couldn't be thinking of me the whole time and also enjoying it.

So today, I let you go.

I drove with you to the airport, sitting in the back with you and Jules while your mom and April said quietly in the front. I held your hand tight the whole time, and tried laughing with Jules about hurricanes in North Carolina and country music, but on the inside I felt like I was rotting away.

We walked you up to security and I was the last one to say goodbye to you. You smiled at me, kissing me on the forehead before pulling me into the tightest, warmest hug I've ever gotten. "I'll call you when I land, okay?"

"No," I said into your shoulder. "You shouldn't."

You pulled away, looking confused. "What? Why not?"

I tried so hard to keep myself composed, but the tears still managed to break through. "Grant, we can't do this."

"What are you talking about? Of course we can! We have it all figured out, call every week-"

"It will work for maybe two weeks, if we're lucky a month. Then it will start to hurt, it will start to eat away at you and fill you with regret when you see all of the opportunities you're missing because of me. It won't be enough for you. I'm going to hold you back, Grant, and you need to be free."

You shook your head, pulling me back into your arms. "It will be enough. You're enough. We can do this."

I knew I should pull away, but I didn't want to. I clamped down on my lip hard with my teeth to keep from sobbing as I drew in a deep breath that smelled like your skin. "I'll never stop loving you, Grant, but you have to let go."

You squeezed me tighter. "I worked so hard to get you back, I don't want to let you go again. I can't. I won't." You said adamantly.

I worked my way out of your grasp and took a step away from you. "Then I will."

You swallowed hard, shaking your head. "Alina, don't do this. Please..."

Tears started to fall down my cheeks and I quickly wiped them off. "It's for the best, for both of us."

You stepped towards me and leaned in for a kiss but I turned my head. "Please, Alina," You whispered, your voice shaking. "Please, just give me one last moment with you."

I sniffled as I looked up at you, then pressed my lips against yours. I tried to hold onto that moment for as long as I could, as sour as it was, but it could've been the last time I would've been able to taste you, and it hurt, but I needed to savor the pain. I needed to savor this last, painful moment with you.

It seemed like we pulled away too soon, and as I write this I'm still trying to hold onto that moment even though I know I should let go. Moments slip by us too fast, life goes at an incredible speed and it feels like just yesterday we were sharing our first kiss. Our time together was too short, but at the same time it feels like a thousand years wouldn't be enough time.

So I watched you walk away. I watched as you went through security, looked back at me one more time with sadness and dread in your eyes, then walked away.

It felt like every step you took there were rocks dropping down my throat into my stomach, each building up until they obstructed my air ways and pushed water into my tear ducts. Everything was heavy, everything felt crushed. My hands were ice, my eyes flaming glass orbs, ready to break and burst at any moment. My whole body shook like my feet were tectonic plates shifting beneath me. My whole world was shaking. Everything felt like it could crumble at any minute, I could break at any minute.

I've never felt like that in my life, and I hope I never feel that way again.

It's not the way I felt the first time we went our separate ways. That time, I knew you didn't want me, and trying wasn't worth it. I thought you weren't right for me. The breakup felt like the right thing to do. It felt like we weren't right for each other. What makes this one different, is that we know we're right for each other, but we can't be together, and there's nothing we can do about it.

I don't know if I'll ever stop crying. I don't know if it will ever stop hurting. I don't know if I'll ever be able to move on, but I'm not done with you yet, Grant.

Love never ends.

Xoxo, Alina