Dear Future Husband

July 28, 2019

Dear my love,

I'm so confused.

And if I'm being honest, heartbroken.

I've never been more excited in my life to be back in Seattle than I was today. I practically ran off the plane and made sure I got everyone's bags out of the bag return right away so we could get home and I could have my car again.

Unfortunately, my family had other plans.

It took everyone so goddamn long to find the car in the parking garage and once we did, April realized she dropped her phone somewhere, which was another ordeal with all of us running around the whole goddamn parking garage trying to find it just for it to have fallen to the bottom of her bag. Honestly, I should've just taken the car and drove away without them, I wasn't sure how much longer I could wait.

The minute I got home, I threw my bags on my bedroom floor and didn't even bother changing out of my nasty airplane clothes before I got my car keys and left again.

I headed straight to Chipotle, as much as I just wanted to drive straight to her house, I had to do something for her. She was right, I focused too much on myself and I needed to fulfill her needs, and wants in this case, and I knew she always wanted Chipotle.

I got her her favorite burrito along with chips and queso, our Chipotle staple. As I waited for the food, I smiled seeing our usual table, empty, as if it beckoned us to sit there again. Soon enough, I thought to myself. Soon enough I'll see her again.

I was just so anxious to see how she would react to me asking for her back. If I was her, I would turn around and not look back, I was just hoping she would hear me out and maybe be willing to give me another chance. I would let her reject me again a thousand times if it meant I got to kiss her just one more time. I just wanted to tell her I loved her.

I had gotten my food and turned to head out the door when I bumped into the most beautiful girl on the planet, a girl no other than Alina Troy herself.

The wind was almost knocked out of me. Seeing her again was like being high for the very first time, I felt like I could barely stand and the only thing I could focus on was her face. Every little detail took up so much of my brain's focus that I couldn't take notice to anything else, not even my own breathing. I had forgotten how beautiful she was, I had forgotten how much her face brought me comfort. Most of all, I had forgotten how it looked to see her smile, because I know she definitely was not smiling when I left her.

"Grant," She said in shock, her eyes wide. "Uh, hi, uh, you're back." She said, dumbfounded, like she had seen a ghost.

"Hey," I said, my heart throbbing in my chest. I hadn't prepared what I was going to say to her, or even how I was going to react to seeing her. I was saving that for the car ride to her house. "Uh, it's great to see you."

"Yeah," She said, relaxing a little, but still looking a little uncomfortable. I didn't blame her though, I felt the same way, except more happy. "How are you?"

"I'm good," I said, thrilled that she was striking up a conversation-- as mundane as it was-- with me. "I just got back from Malibu literally like an hour ago. How about you, how are you?"

"Oh wow," She laughed nervously. "And the first place you go is Chipotle? Don't they have Chipotle's in Malibu??"

"They don't have a lot of things in Malibu." We both stood there a moment and I just took in every beautiful feature of her face, feeling like I had just taken my first breath of fresh air after being trapped in a coal mine.

I felt the bag of her food burning in my hand and although this isn't exactly what I imaged, professing my love for her in a Chipotle, it was now or never.

I opened my mouth when a girl appeared by Alina's side, linking an arm around her waist.

"You want to eat here or go back to my place, babe?" The girl said, kissing Alina gently on the cheek, her own bag of food in hand.

My heart stopped as I tried to make sense of the signals my brain was getting. It was a girl calling Alina babe and kissing her, was this a really good friend she had met? Or what I thought it was? But it couldn't be, Alina was straight. The possibility of her being gay never crossed my mind. Maybe it was a joke to make me go away. Maybe her friend saw a guy possibly hitting on her and wanted to give her an easy out. She couldn't be gay.

"How about we go back to your place?" Alina said to her, pulling her attention away from me.

"Okay," Her friend said, looking at me with skepticism in her eyes. "Hey, I'm Sasha, how's it going?"

"Good, you?" I replied curtly.

"Uh, yeah, Sash, this is Grant, um, my-"

"Friend." I smiled, not wanting Alina to have to awkwardly explain our connection.

"Grant," She continued. "This is Sasha, my girlfriend."

My worst fears were confirmed and my insides just fell limp. My chest felt hollow, my arms felt like bricks, and my head just felt dizzy. I was too late. I let her go and left and I lost her. I completely lost her and I feel like shit. I was crushed and I had no one to blame but myself for pushing her away.

"Nice to meet you," I somehow managed, trying to hide the defeat from my face.

"We'll see you later, Grant." Sasha smiled at me coldly before walking out the door.

I just stood there for a second as I watched them leave together, happy, holding hands, not having a care in the world except for each other.

I watched them pull out of the parking lot and take off down the street, the same way I had taken off away from Alina. Suddenly and in a cloud of dust that left nothing behind.

Once they were gone, I went over to our usual table and set the bag down on it before heading to the door and leaving.

I went and sat in my car, feeling as if my chest was caving in on itself.

And for the first time I can remember, I cried.

I felt like such a pussy, but even greater than that was the feeling of pure sadness and regret and guilt and loss. I had never felt this way before and I hated it. I felt like I couldn't breath, I couldn't move, I was trapped in a box and I just wanted to get out.

After all of the anticipation of the past three days, all of the breakthroughs, all of the heartbreak, it's all gone.

Somehow in the three weeks I was gone, she had become gay, or maybe she had been gay the whole time. If she was dating a guy, it still would've hurt, but then I would've at least had a chance. She didn't love me, she didn't even love the gender I was.

She didn't love me.

And I love her.

And that hurts like hell.

-grant