Dear Future Husband

June 14, 2019

Dear Future Husband,

Finals are over and summer has begun! Sorry I haven't written lately, I've been busy studying and stressing, the usual.

Unfortunately, the summer hasn't been off to the best start. On Sunday, Sydney asked me to go to Zach Walsh's party with her. That night I was planning to ask Grant to hang out since I didn't have a test the next morning and I had been dying to see him, but I figured it could wait, he was so used to blowing me off for his friends, I deserved to have some fun.

So I went and I got wasted.

I didn't plan on drinking a lot. I hadn't really planned on drinking at all, I just needed to relieve some stress of the past week and one beer turned into five and everything melted away.

Until I saw him there.

And I lost it.

The beer took away my inhibitions and I had no filter and I let it flow and it felt good, especially because I never would've said any of that if I was sober and it needed to be out there. He needed to hear me.

I told him about how I was upset because he was constantly blowing me off for the next best thing and I was sick of it, but he just brushed me off as drunk and not in my right mind. Little did he know my drunk words were sober thoughts and he was just going to make sober me even more upset.

The next morning I woke up with a throbbing headache and an aching heart. He had texted me to make sure I got home okay and that was the end of it. Just making sure I could handle myself when I was drunk, underestimating and belittling me as usual.

Worst of all, later that day he texted and asked if I wanted to hang out. He was lucky that I really wanted to see him because if I didn't I would've blown him off like he has done to me time and time again.

I went over to his house to hang out and I could tell there was tension on both ends. After about an hour he finally spoke up because God knew I wasn't going to, I had said everything that needed to be said.

"I don't know if you remember or not but you were acting really weird last night."

I had to bite my tongue to hold in my scoff. "I was a little tipsy, it's not the end of the world."

"Alina, I'm serious." He said, looking down at me. "You were scaring me."

I couldn't bite my tongue hard enough to keep the next thing from coming out. "Why? Because I was drunk or telling you things you didn't want to hear?"

He was quiet for a minute and I couldn't tell if he was hurt or trying to find the right words, maybe both. "You meant that?"

I scoffed, sitting up from my position nuzzled into his chest to face him. "No, Grant, it was all made up." I said sarcastically.

"Alina, we always hang out, hell, we're hanging out right now. I don't know why you got so upset."

"It's not just that. You've checked out. It's like you've checked out of school and this relationship and I feel like your head is just somewhere else right now and I don't know where it is or why it's there."

"It's summer," He scoffed. "I'm unwinding and I'm sorry if I seem different but I'm trying to relax here."

"You seem to relax with everyone else but me," I crossed my arms. "What is it? Am I not fun anymore? Are you bored-"

"No, Alina," He put his hand on my cheek. "God, no. Never ever ever will that be true. I really like spending time with you, I've just been busy okay? And I'm sorry I've checked out a little because I didn't mean to, and I didn't mean to make you feel like that. I'm sorry, okay?"

I took a deep breath. I really couldn't stay mad at him, especially when it was obvious to me that he was really trying here with an explanation like that, but he should've left it at that explanation.

I kissed him on the forehead. "I really want this summer to be good."

He smiled. "Me too, and it's going to be,"

I leaned back into his chest again and was just about to get settled again when he made another comment that really set me off. "As long as you don't go out getting drunk and yelling at me every night."

"What is your deal?" I said, sitting back up again. "Are you mad at me for having a few drinks?"

"No," He said, running his eyes. "I'm mad at you for acting like that after having a few drinks."

"No you're mad at me for drinking." I got up from his bed. "We're past the argument, this is about me just trying to have a little fun."

"You don't need alcohol to have fun okay?" He said.

I laughed. "Since when do you get to be the sobriety police? I'm in high school, okay Grant? I can have a few beers every once in a while and have a good time and you don't get to dictate what I can and can't do, and you know what? Maybe I did need to have a few beers to have fun especially when my boyfriend is being a jerk."

He smiled, shaking his head. "So now I'm pushing you to drink? Well that's just," He started laughing. "Wow, you know I didn't realize not spending every minute of every day with you was leading you to the bottle for comfort because that seems less of something I caused and more of something you need to figure out yourself."

It wasn't even like it hurt, it just made me mad that he was pushing this all on me. I had come to him with concerns about our relationship and he had made it all my fault. Every single one of my worries concerning how I had felt, he was being distant he had turned it into me overreacting. When I told him that I was so upset about it to the point where I couldn't enjoy myself at a party, he told me it was my problem. It was just so frustrating and it was just making me even more uneasy about this whole mess.

I went home after he said that and neither of us said a word. Later that day we texted small talk and just kind of left the day's conversation in the past even though it was far from being over.

I just wanted it to be over.

Xoxo, Alina