Dear Future Husband

July 20, 2019

Dear the love of my life,

I'm starting to think love isn't real.

Maybe I was in love with Alina, maybe this is why it hurt so much, but if I loved her why would I let her go like that? Were my parents ever in love? Why would they get divorced if they were? Is anyone on this planet in love with anything? Or are we all just selfish creatures who care about nothing else and move on to the next most convienent thing?

Maybe it's just me who can't love. Maybe I have too much head and not enough heart. Why else would all of my relationships last less than three months? Maybe I don't find the right girls. Maybe I'm not the right guy.

Thinking about the existence of love made my head hurt. Yes, I love you, that's true, at least, that's what I think is true, but I could be lying to myself, who knows what love actually is.

Love could be one of those things created by humankind, like God, simply just to reassure us that there is something else in this shitty life to be living for. Love is supposed to be that light at the end of the tunnel that reassures ya that everybody finds love, and once you have it, you will be happy. But is anyone who has found love really happy? Because love just seems to complicate things.

I was sitting on the beach with my mom today, just the two of us with April asleep on the sand below us, her back baking in the sun, while Jules played in the water with Rick and his sons.

"Can I ask you a personal question?" I asked her.

She looked up from her book, eyeing me from the top of her sunglasses. "I guess so,"

I took a deep breath. "Did you ever love dad?"

She sighed, folding the page over in her book and putting it down beside her. "I know the divorce has been tough on you-"

"Mom, this really isn't about that," I laughed. "I'm just curious."

"Of course I loved your father. God, I thought he was the love of my life. I didn't think it got much better than him."

"Then what happened?" I asked, even more confused from when I first asked. "Why did you guys split up?"

She sighed. "Well, honey, I would say you can fall out of love as fast as you can fall in love. People grow and change and suddenly all of the things you once loved, you really can't stand. For example, I loved the way your dad was so passionate for things, he put his all into everything he did. I loved this, until I realized that he was a workaholic, and once he had made his mind up about something, he would not change it for the world. Some loves just don't stand the test of time, like me and your father. We worked for a few years, we created a family, but as things started to change, we couldn't keep up. I loved the man your father used to be, now he's a different person and it's a person I find very hard to love and live with. That doesn't mean that I don't still love him though, because I know the man that I fell in love with is still in there, but it just wasn't enough to keep us together."

"How do you know Rick is different? Maybe you guys won't stand the test of time."

She smiled at me, then looked out at the water at her fiance. "If I'm being completely honest, I have no idea if we're going to stand the test of time, because we're not there yet, but I'm willing to take a leap of faith because I feel things for Rick that I never felt for your father, and I've thought long and hard about his flaws and good features and they outweigh whatever bad might be coming toward us. I love Rick so much, I'm willing to take the chance that we might not make it."

I obviously didn't love Alina then, if I wasn't willing to take that chance, then she wasn't worth it.

Right?

I love you, I will take a chance on you, and I will put everything on the line with you.

Because we will make it.

-Grant