Dear Future Husband

January 23, 2019

Dear Future Husband,

I don't think Brad is going to be a problem anymore.

I handled it.

Even though I didn't have much of a choice.

Clarissa found out I'm getting rides with Grant and she got pretty upset.

The one day that he offered me a ride home after one of my student council meetings, she had to be in the driveway doing some art project.

"Shit." Grant had said as he slowly pulled in front of my house, Clarissa staring at his car with wide eyes. Angry eyes. "Sorry, if I had known-"

"Don't worry about it." I said to him, even though I was most definitely worrying about it. "Thank you so much for the ride, it means a lot."

He smiled warily, staring at Clarissa like there was a wrench twisting his insides. "Hopefully this won't be our last."

In that moment, I was hopeful that maybe he actually did like me as something more than just the girl he gave rides too, but I can't elaborate on that now. No time. I need to tell you what happened.

I got out of the car and tried to keep a low profile, just blow it off and walk up to the door as usual, but there was no way Clarissa was letting me off that easy.

"What the hell, Alina?!" She screamed, stalking up behind me to the door. "Was that Grant?!"

I took a deep breath, my fingernails carving deep craters into my palms. "He offered to drive me home one day, it's no big deal, ok?"

"No big deal?! What kind of a sister are you?!" She screamed as I opened the door and made my way inside.

"I'm sorry." I muttered as I started into the kitchen, trying as hard as possible not to get too upset and just let her anger run its course.

"I could've driven you home! Brad could've driven you home! Why of all people would you let Grant drive you?"

"I'm sorry, ok?"

"I feel sick seeing him anywhere close to my house, god, I'm going to puke!"

"I'm really sorry, but it was just a ride."

"He tried to rape me!"

I stopped dead in my tracks when she said that. Something inside me just finally snapped. After weeks of keeping to myself and avoiding Clarissa's love life like the plague, I couldn't help it anymore. I couldn't hold it in and I was most definitely not letting this continue. Whatever shell was encasing me before, it cracked. I wasn't scared anymore, I wasn't paranoid and I didn't care about anyone's feelings, I cared about everyone's well being and I cared about the truth coming out. I am done with everyone's bullshit.

I whipped around, throwing my bag onto the ground. "You're still going along with that excuse?! God, Clarissa! Honestly! You're the most wretched, selfish person I know! You make up some lie about a boy who was crazy for you that could ruin his life, just so it doesn't come to light that you cheated on him when he didn't feel comfortable having sex with you! What kind of a sick monster are you?"

Tears started to fill her eyes along with panic. She wasn't expecting that. "What kind of a sister are you taking his side?! Grant is a dick!"

I scoffed, my skin on fire. "Grant could've been the best thing that ever happened to you! Can't you see that? Can't you see that he is one of the rare guys out there that is actually somewhat decent? Can't you see that even after you treated him like dirt he still showed kindness to your sister when she didn't feel comfortable in a potentially dangerous situation? No, you had to go and rush things a-and," I think you know that I don't usually swear, I don't see the point of it. My dad said that there is usually a better word in your vocabulary to use in place of it, but in that moment I couldn't help it I was so fired up. "Fuck Brad! You had to go and fuck a boy that doesn't give a fuck about you and never will!"

"Take it back." She said quietly, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Take that back right now."

I was yelling so loud I was almost positive the whole neighborhood could hear. "No, Clarissa, I won't, because unlike you I don't lie! Unlike you I can see that he is just using you for sex and is going to leave you at the drop of a hat for the next vulnerable, ignorant, and willing girl he finds!"

"That's not true!"

"You know what is true?!" I lowered my voice, tears of my own threatening to spill over, but I held them back. They would not get in the way of the truth coming out. "What's true is that Brad cornered me in the parking lot, violated me, and personally told me that he was going t-to do things to me once he was done with you." Finally, it was out. Finally, I didn't have to keep this to myself, and it felt good. I couldn't stop now. "What's true is that Grant saw the whole thing and offered to give me rides in the morning so I didn't have to be anywhere near Brad. What's true is that I was mortified to tell anyone what happened, I was mortified that I would hurt you or put a target on my back, and Grant respected that and didn't tell anyone. So go ahead and call Grant whatever you want, go ahead and accuse him of whatever you want, as long as it makes you feel better, heaven forbid anyone else made you feel less than the most important person in the world. Go ahead and keep living in whatever sick and twisted fantasy you're living in while the rest of us suffer your wrath, because I'm done with it. Because you're my sister and I love you, I'm telling mom and dad everything, and there's nothing you can do to stop me."

Nothing was said for a few minutes, she just cried and I just stood there, feeling like a city after an earthquake, quiet only because there was nothing else to say after the damage that had been done.

Her tears suddenly went from a steady stream down her cheeks to a loud, sudden sob like trumpets blaring. "I-I-I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I fucked up! I fucked up so bad." She collapsed into a kitchen chair, terrible sobs wrenching from her throat that shook the floor. My heart tugged towards her and I wrapped my arms around her shaking shoulders as she pressed her face into my shirt. "I just w-wanted him s-so bad and I f-fucked it up and he didn't want me back s-so I thought Brad would want me as m-much as I wanted G-Grant but," Another glass shattering sob broke from her and I felt my shirt start to stick with me from the tears. "I made a huge mistake! I wish I could take i-it back!"

Her tears extinguished my fiery anger and I decided that maybe telling my parents wasn't the best idea at this very moment, she had cried her tears for today and realized her wrongs, she really didn't need their wrath on top of that. Plus, I still had some of that sister code inside of me that didn't want to tell my parents anything.

After about ten minutes of crying, she had finally started to calm down and I felt it was safe to let go of her. "Can I get you anything?" I said softly.

She shook her head, sniffling. "No, I'm fine."

"Ok. I'll be upstairs." I had started to turn around when she stopped me and said the best thing I had heard since this whole thing started.

"Alina, I'm sorry that happened to you. You're right, I was being selfish and couldn't see that my little sister was getting hurt. I'm ending it with Brad, and you should report what happened to the school. The two of us can ride together again and if you ever have a problem with any of the guys I'm with, please tell me and I'll try to be less oblivious about it. I'm so sorry."

Finally, this whole thing could be over with and I didn't have to worry about keeping any secrets from her. It felt like a truckload of cinder blocks had been taken from my shoulders and I could finally go about life not having to worry about them caving in on me at any given moment.

But I still couldn't bring myself to tell anyone with authority about what happened between me and Brad. I just felt like there would be no consequences, little if any, and I didn't want this to blow up into a bigger thing that could ruin the next two and a half years of my high school education.

It was ok for now, he wasn't going to be in my life anymore and it was a distant memory.

The future has so much more to hold.

Xoxo, Alina