Dear Future Husband

March 5, 2019

Dear Future Main Hoe,

I don't know what's going on with me.

But I need help figuring all of this out.

So Alina definitely likes me, and I think I like her back?

I can't like her back though, I just can't. She's my ex's little sister, and she's so nice, and I'm an asshole, and she's younger, and I can't like her back. She can't be my rebound from a senior.

I don't even know why I like her, I mean I guess I do but- no, I don't like her.

But I do like her.

Ugghhhhhhhhh

I don't know, something in my brain just is weird and gets happy whenever I'm with her and I have this strange feeling of wanting and compassion towards her that I have never felt before for anyone.

And it scares the hell out of me.

It's like, I don't want to like her, but I do want to like her, and I do like her, but I also don't like her. I don't know, it's weird.

Like, before when I liked girls, it was just the surface physical attraction that just hit you like bam, but Alina, she creeps up on you. She got me from the inside and I didn't realize it until my brain started doing crazy, unprecedented things like hold her fucking hand in a movie theater.

Like what the fuck, Grant?

Where did that come from?

I haven't brought myself to talk to her since the movies where we fucking held hands and I don't know, that was weird. I should've figured myself out before I just went and sent strong messages her way.

But it was like I had no control over it. I just wanted to touch her, I wanted to wrap my arms around her, and awkwardly playing with her sweater was the only way I could've done that. It's like running your hand through your hair, it's just this natural urge you barely realize you're doing sometimes. It was just natural to touch her. Then suddenly, we were holding hands, and I felt ok. I felt better than ok. I don't know, it's weird.

Then once the movie was over, I just kind of stared at her like an idiot. Her face was just so... beautiful and calming. It was like taking a deep breath, it was refreshing and made me feel relaxed and I wanted to touch her face. With my hand or mouth, I didn't know, but I don't think it would've mattered. But I saw Matt kissing her friend and it just made me mad that I couldn't kiss Alina.

Did I want to kiss Alina?

Anyway, I've been avoiding her ever since. She texted me and I'm too scared to text her back, especially because I didn't know what to say. I hated talking about things like this. I never know what to say. I just do. Doing doesn't require words.

Between fourth and fifth period when we talked, I made sure to hide out in the bathroom until the bell rang just to avoid her, and today during chem we didn't have a lab so I didn't have to talk to her then either. We were supposed to have a tutoring session, but I told Mrs. Bradley I couldn't make it. I wasn't even man enough to say it to Alina's face.

I know that she knows I'm avoiding her, I've made it very obvious, but I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. Eventually, I'm going to have to go to my locker before fifth period, and we are going to have labs, and my chem grades are going to continue to slip so I'm going to have to be tutored. I just don't know what I'm going to do when that time comes, because I don't like Alina like that.

Right?

-Grant