Dear Future Husband

June 30, 2019

Dear Future Husband,

Grant broke up with me.

He

I can't believe this right now. I don't know why he would do this. I told him to make a decision, I told him it was all up to him and I expected him to want me back. I expected him to pick me over our issues, but he chose to break up.

I'm just so in shock right now. I walked home with tears burning my eyes and my chest rising and falling rapidly not willing to accept what had just happened. I opened the front door and went in the kitchen as usual to find the house empty. I just sat at the counter for a few moments staring at the fridge with my vision clouded by hot tears. It wasn't until my phone buzzed with a notification that I saw the photo on my lock screen of me and Grant at prom with him looking at me smiling that it really set it.

Then I lost it.

I burst into sobs so loud I thought the neighbor might hear. There are so many tears that my shirt is wet and I just feel cold. I had cried out all of my warmth and I was curled on the couch alone and wet and cold and sad and angry and worthless. I felt worthless.

He made me feel like I had no say time after time. I had thought I was just being paranoid, just being sensitive, but even if I was, I couldn't stand it anymore. I was sick of being ignored and I had hoped he would hear me and try to make a better effort to listen to me, but he wasn't even willing to try.

I thought things were different for him, I thought I was worth it to him. I thought it was worth going through fights to come to an agreement and going through sticky, uncomfortable things to stay together, but he gave up just like that, and it sucks because he is worth it to me. After all these weeks of sticking around even after he has yelled at me and taken advantage of me and made me feel small, I stuck around and I fought through it and I compromised so much of myself. He can't even compromise a little pride. He can't even compromise admitting he is wrong to be with me, and that sucks but it's the truth. It's the terrible truth.

I wanted to be with him so bad. Even at our worst, I still couldn't imagine not being with him. He was truly my best friend and I don't know what I'm going to do without him. I wasn't done with him yet, nowhere close to it, and he ended us just like that. I keep telling myself in the end it was the right move because obviously he didn't respect my feelings enough, but that might hurt worse than actually breaking up.

I wanted so much more for us. We had made it so far, accomplished so many things, overcame so many obstacles, and I was ready to do so much more. Granted, I haven't had much relationship experience, but this was like nothing I've ever felt before. I had expected it to last longer and end on a better note. I expected our relationship to end a long time from now with mutual understanding and an agreement to still be friends, not with a huge emotional blow that shatters whatever the relationship had been to smithereens. Everything felt like a lie now, a waste of time. There was no understanding there, there had never been, and that hurt so bad.

Despite all of this, I still wanted him.

I still felt like we could both change.

I still felt like we could be together.

But he doesn't want me.

He doesn't want to change.

He doesn't want to be together.

Whoever you are, if you're even out there, you want me.

You would change for me.

You and I are going to be together.

But that's something to worry about another day.

Today is a day of mourning for the best relationship I've ever had and one I will never forget.

My heart is broken.

Alina