Broken (A Josh Hutcherson Imagine)

Epilogue

Epilogue:
I give up on sleep once again. I never sleep anymore. I turn to my bedside table, and put on the antique key necklace I gave Savannah. The necklace I gave her to symbolize she's the key to my heart. The first thing I do every single day. The thing I have to do the second I wake up. It's the only way I feel close to her some days. I just need to be close to her. But I can't. I walk to the bathroom and get in the shower. I let the steaming hot water hit my skin, and pretend that's the reason I'm crying. All I seem to do anymore is cry. I tell myself that isn't the way she'd want it, but I can't stop myself. After the shower, and I get out and quickly dry myself off. I put on my black pants. I put on my black button down shirt. I tie the black tie around my neck. I put the black jacket over it. All I seem to wear is black anymore. It's the only color I feel like myself in. I take the two envelopes and the single piece of paper, sticking them in the inside pocket next to what I already had slid in there. I don't go anywhere without those things anymore. The last thing I pick up is my wallet, opening it up to look at a few of the pictures of her I keep in there. She must've taken a lot of selfies on my computer one day, because I found them a few weeks after it happened. At first they made my cry, and I hated it. They still make me cry, but now I'm just glad to have a few more pictures of her. Pictures are the only things I have left. Besides the necklace and thoughts of her. From there, I go downstairs and out to my motorcycle. I figure it's what brought me to her the first time. So maybe it will bring me to her again if I'm lucky enough. I drive the beach and lay out in the sand, not caring that my suit for tonight gets dirty. I lay out and look at the stars, doing it for the first time since it happened. I see the stars sparkle and I think of the way her blue eyes used to sparkle. I can't believe it's been over seven months since I saw those sparkling blue eyes look back at me. As I watch the stars, I take out the single piece of paper from my pocket and mark off Number 3. I stargazed on the beach for her. Just like our movie, I'm finishing the list for her. She's not with me. But I'm wearing her necklace, and that's as close as I can get to her being with me now. We shared a milkshake. We baked a cake. We took a bubble bath. We put pictures kissing each other all over social media. We wore matching outfits. We went on one crazy ass date. We wrote each other love letters. And now I have to finish it without her, for her. I watch as the sun starts to come up, wishing she was here with me more than anything. It's not fair that she is gone and I'm still here. It's not fair that she had to die. It's not fair that I don't get to be with her anymore. We were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together. It's not fair because she got to spend the rest of her life with me, and now I'm here, unable to spend the rest of mine with her. Minutes turn to hours and I sit in the same spot watching the sun rise. Hours pass and before I realize it I feel someone sit down beside me and see Henry. He always seems to know where I am even when I go off on my own and wander like I always seem to do. He seems to know sort of how I feel. More than anyone else does anyway. "it's time to go, Josh." he says quietly. I feel guilty. Henry is trying to move on with his life. And seeing his sister's boyfriend this way must make that hard. Ex boyfriend I remind myself. We're not together anymore. I nod, knowing I have to go at some point. I can't stay on the beach the rest of my life missing Savannah. Although I wish I could. I follow Henry to my house. He knows I can't go to his. He and Connor, who's been staying with me for the last few days, get dressed in their suits. We leave my house and drive to the premiere but it all feels wrong without her. This was our movie. She was supposed to be here. Henry and Connor walk with me down the red carpet. They stay by my sides, talking when questions are asked, even though the questions are directed at me. Finally we get to the last interview. The man with the microphone asks "Josh, I know the last seven months have been especially hard on you with the loss of costar Savannah Collins, what's it like being here tonight with out her?" Henry tries to speak up but I step forward and talk for the first time all night. "These last seven months without the love of my life, Savannah, have been the worst seven months of my life. I miss her every minute of every day. Life without Sav is worse than anything I could ever think of. And Being here, at this movie premiere, that me and Savannah were supposed to be at together, is terrible. It's just really fucking terrible, because Savannah deserves to be here and I deserve to have her by my side and cancer really FUCKING sucks. Just like in our movie, me and Sav had a bucketlist. And I thought that I could make it through this movie tonight for her. But God knows I can't. And God knows I have to finish our bucketlist just like Logan did for Lily. So if you'll excuse me.. I have to go." With that, I take off the opposite way back down the red carpet leaving my little brothers behind. I run and run, knowing there's no way I can watch that movie. No way I can watch her on that screen, acting out something that inevitably happened. Maybe someday, but today is not that day. I keep running until I get to my car and I get in and just start driving. To where, I don't know. Eventually I end up at my destination, and go inside purchasing a plane ticket to Minnesota. I board the plane and start the journey to Minnesota, one I've made twice now. The first with Savannah. The second without her. She made me promise to bury her next to Rachel, and as much as it sucked for me, I had to keep that promise. When I finally get to her hometown, I drive to the cemetery. I go to her grave and instantly the tears come. I can't help it. With that, I hear a clap of thunder and it starts pouring down on me. Savannah always loved those Minnesota spring thunderstorms. I lean down to her granite headstone and kiss it softly, knowing I can cross number six off our bucketlist. Kissing in the rain is something she always wanted to do. As soon as the storm came, it's gone leaving a beautiful rainbow spreading across the sky near the sun that was starting to set. I sink to the ground, leaning against her gravestone. I loosen up my tie as I continue to sob. I sit and I watch the sunset and soon it's almost pitch black. I take out the bucketlist, crossing off Number 10-Watch the Sunrise and Sunset together, spending every second in between together-off the list. I didn't spend the day with her, but I spent every second thinking about her and that's as close to finishing the bucketlist I'll ever get. I had to finish it for her, and now I have. I think back to that horrible night. The horrible night everything went wrong and think of her last words to me. "I want you to be happy, Josh." she said, "I want you to be happy and I want you to enjoy your life. Live your life for me. I love you, I've always loved you. I always will love you." She wanted me to be happy. She wanted me to live my life. And I can't go on like this. I have to go on for her. I have to live the life that she can't. Then I realize that all this time since her death I've been thinking she broke me. Thinking I was broken without her. When really, she completed me. She made me whole. Life took me and shattered me. It flipped everything I thought I knew and turned it upside down. It threw curve balls at me every chance it got. The weight of the world tried to crush me. And All this time I thought I was broken. I thought she broke me. I guess these last seven months without her I was broken. And even though she's not here any more, I know she's the one who will fix me. The only one who can fix me, if anybody can. Even if it takes time, I know she can fix my broken heart. As much as anybody can, anyway. With that I take out the envelopes from my pocket, the love letters we wrote each other the night we were trying to complete our bucketlist and set them down near her grave. She never got to read mine, and because of that it just doesn't feel right to read hers. I don't need to read hers to know she loved me, and I don't need to read mine to remember how much I love her. I set down the little black box I bought now over a year ago, weighing down the letters and the completed bucketlist with it. Then I lean my head down on her grave and close my eyes, hoping that tonight I'll be able to dream of her. Not the sick Savannah I knew and loved, But the healthy Savannah with sparkling blue eyes, and long dark brown hair. Smiling and laughing and singing and kissing me and dancing and living. I might not be able to have Savannah in my arms, but at least I can still have her in my dreams, and that is enough to keep my broken heart going until she finds a way to fix it from up there./// Thank you all so much for reading Broken. It means the world to me that you've stuck with me these last two years while I ran this account and I'm so pleased with everything I've done and you've done, and we've done together. I hope you like this, I know it's sad but life's not always happy. (Also this is kind of choppy on purpose- Josh's life has fallen apart and he felt broken, so that's the way his thoughts formed.) Once again thank you for reading this. It means more to me than you'll ever know. I love you all so much.///