After Action [COMPLETED]

[GR] "BOOK FAIR"

This is a string of short rants I've written on the page, in regards to my decision to botch the plan to "invade" the 40th Manila International Book Fair.

Written 04 August 2019

"In order to achieve greatness, one must let go of their basic desires . . ."

And so, to start my own journey to greatness―or in this case, my eventual downfall―I am letting go of my desire to attend this year's Manila International Book Fair. Meeting both MIDNIGHTGODDESS and HORRORAMBASSADOR―if ever I could catch up with them at that event―is not any more worth my time and effort, especially when I know they will be forever out of my reach, among other things in life. However, the respect I have for both of them will remain in my already-corrupted heart.

I will slink back into the darkness once more. And this time, its yoke will welcome me with open arms.

Written 06 August 2019

I wish I can attend . . . well, I've made the final decision not to. It's not anymore worth my time, effort and logistics (money) to attend an event full of sheeple.

Written 11 August 2019 (Part 1 of 2)

I want to focus myself on writing stories once again―I really do. But there's this one little thing inside my head, nagging for constant attention:

"Will not attending this year's Manila International Book Fair be the right decision I'm making, after all?"

If I were to ask, I would want to attend the event and catch up with both MIDNIGHTGODDESS and HORRORAMBASSADOR, browse for books (even though I can just buy those at the nearby Booksale MOA proper), and mess around the place―all while wearing my own Shädman costume. (Well, I can just hang out with either a cosplaying HORRORAMBASSADOR, or with a bunch of cosplayers attending the event for the sake of a convenient excuse.) However, with the time, effort, and logistics―read: "money"―I'll need in order to attend such an event, not to mention the ever-worsening vehicular traffic situation in the Metro, I think it's be better for me to focus on writing this current novel project and serialize it on Wattpad―even though I know it'll end up becoming another lackluster yawn-fest. It has been more than half a year of denials, self-doubt, and misplaced priorities on my part; I should end the year with a sense of "accomplishment" by writing―and hopefully, serializing―this next work I have on my mind for a long time―ever since I've written 'Fear in the Cube', actually.

On a side note, Sawatari Fuu from 'Tamayura' is just plain lucky to have a great support network. I wish I had people who will support me in every step of the way.

Written 11 August 2019 (Part 2 of 2)

And speaking of support networks that I've added as an aside on my earlier post―I've just had a realization:

I just cannot bring myself to say that my parents are a great support network for me. I just can't. It's not that I'm being ungrateful to everything they've done for me over the years; however, providing the wants and needs of a growing child is totally different from supporting that child in what they truly want to be in the future. I know, writing stories has become something that came later, but I have a feeling that, up to this day, they still wanted me to be something else. After all, results matter to them.

Also, I do have a friend here in my current hometown, but I cannot say he is a great node in that support network, either. It may be a case of totally different personalities connected by a mutual interest, but I just feel like I can't confide with him in regards to my seemingly-foolish venture as a writer. True, he has given me sound advice from time to time, but what I want is someone whom I can truly confide with―someone who has truly understood me from my childhood years―someone who has seen me through thick and thin, and stuck with me all those times. I know I'm asking for too much at this point―and that 'Tamayura' has greatly influenced my view of friendships―but a somewhat extraverted personality is the last thing a self-proclaimed "hermit" like me would need.

Lastly, I just don't feel like I want to stay here in Angeles City any more. I think this place has changed so much―but it has changed for the worse. With more of the "distractions" around, and less of the "essentials", I just feel like I will not grow here as a writer. I don't know where I would want to settle down in the future, but I'm just staying here for now for a singular reason: all the creature comforts expected of the big city are here―and more.

Written 14 August 2019

September 14. Saturday. The only day MIDNIGHTGODDESS will be present during the 5-day Manila International Book Fair for a book-signing event. However, this Internet "mercenary" will not attend said event―mainly because I have totally lost the battle with logistics (read: "money"); and also because I am so broken spiritually―a friend of mine said that I wallow myself too much on self-pity, I have no plans to take initiative on anything―my seething anger is slowly leaking out. But that's okay. As I have said earlier: 'in order to achieve greatness, one must let go of their basic desires.' And I have decided to just . . . let it go. Even though it'll end up in another heartbreak (and it's not of a romantic sense).

However, there'll be no next time, contrary to her expectations.

The "shadow" has fallen―she cannot save me from the enveloping darkness. Maybe "El Sueño" can.

Written 08 September 2019

The 40th Manila International Book Fair is just a few days away, but I still don't know if I will attend on one particular day out of the five-day event―the fourth day, on September 14. Sure, I can meet MIDNIGHTGODDESS once again, and have her autograph on two of her original collaborations with other authors; I can meet HORRORAMBASSADOR once again, and hang out with him for the sake of a convenient excuse for my planned cosplay . . . but―will it be worth facing the ever-worsening traffic in the Metro once again?

My heart, whose passion is slowly dying by each passing day, says, "Why not? That opportunity doesn't come by often, so grab it!" However, my more rational mind is saying, "You should've learned your lesson―and your heartbreak (not the romantic kind)―last year. Besides, wasn't your encounter with her during the latest Pop Fic Fest event for this year not enough?" And this time around, I think it's the rational mind that has the upper hand. After all, this 'newly-created' adage of mine rings true:

"In order to achieve greatness, one must let go of their basic desires."

Or, in this case, it will be my eventual downfall.