After Action [COMPLETED]

[SE] "THANKS FOR NOTHING"

Written 02 December 2019

As I fried on a medium-sized wok both the newly-cooked rice, and the leftover fried rice meal from yesterday―for today's lunch―I was actually musing to myself, "Man, what a lonely year for me." And it's true: 2019 for me only consists of ranting―more like whining―emotional breakdowns, and the journey into the heart of my own darkness. I'm kinda envious at other people having reasons to thank for this year, no matter how small a matter it is for them. This I only realized after watching Mutahar's Thanksgiving video on his YouTube channel, SomeOrdinaryGamers.

Everything about my life for this year was so bad, I do wonder how I'm still pushing on. I could've pulled the plug at any given time, but, for some reason I'm just "too lazy" doing even that. Now I have reached a particular stage where I can "abandon" my humanity in a snap. All I've been doing, aside from writing the "negative" stuff on Zuccfeed were: eat, take a shit, take a long bath, smoke some "weed", sleep; "work" when my dad ordered me to; watch an episiode―or two―of 'Tamayura' at random (since that's the only animu saved on my smartphone); fap at porn whenever I have the urge to do so; play 'Dead by Daylight' on a Sunday . . . basically anything even "an" two-bit NPC can do―with the exception of watching animu and gaming. I think that, at this point, this is the extent of what an Internet "mercenary" such as myself can achieve, and everything else is locked out and out of my reach―unless I "pay to win", in which I will cheat my way up and burn down all my neighbor's barns. Well, I think being alone―or "standing alone", as I prefer it―is but one of the consequences for each and every fuck-up I've made for the past years. *plays 'I Stand Alone' by Brian Tyler*

And, in the spirit of last month's Thanksgiving, I'll end up today's self-effacing epiphany with this (blatant) shade to all the "acquaintances" who have known me personally: "Thanks for nothing." Never worry, though, I'm not that "cold" enough to disregard all the time we spent together; but never expect that "cheerful, shit-posting prankster kid" to come back―not even when my "true sight" is returned.