𝐻𝑖𝑠 𝑐𝑢𝑟𝑠𝑒, 𝐻𝑖𝑠 𝑑𝑖𝑠𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑒

~𝑇𝑜 𝑤ℎ𝑜𝑚 𝑖𝑡 𝑚𝑎𝑦 𝑐𝑜𝑛𝑐𝑒𝑟𝑛~

To whom it may concern

I'm done, I'm done trying with life. I'm so done pretending that I'm okay, pretending that everything in my life is okay because it isn't. I'm not okay, no where near it.

I'm so sick of the bullying, the beatings, the notes in my locker, the texts from god knows who, I'm sick of constantly being told I'm unwanted, that I'm just a burden and that everybody hates me.

For years, I've fought with depression, bullying, voices in my head, and fantasising how I could kill myself. I've fought all of that, and yet no one seems to notice.

I tried calling out, I tried pleading for help, crying in front of someone, even screaming for someone to help me, to save me from myself. Yet no one seemed to hear.

I've been falling apart, piece by piece every single day of every single year... I was falling apart right in front of everyone's eyes but they didn't even see me... I would cry sit in the bathroom for hours and then walk out like nothing happened... but no one wouldn't have known I was even gone.

It hurts, it really hurts knowing that no one actually cares for me as much as they lead on. Because if anyone actually cared, they would have noticed I was gone, they would have noticed the marks on my arms, the tears in my eyes and the pain behind my smile... yet no one did.

Isn't it sad that someone can be so lonely... that when their world is falling apart right in front of their eyes... all they can do is sit there and stare blankly...

So many nights, I would just stay quiet and try to forget about everything, to just go off into my dreams. Because sometimes, all you can do is lie in your bed and hope you fall asleep before you fall apart.

Depression... I like to think of it as a pool... a deep, dark pool with no bottom to it. I'm swimming around in it... no, I'm drowning and everyone is standing there, watching and shouting at me "learn how to swim."

There's some days where I just sit and think... I miss me. The old me. The happy me. The bright me. The smiling me. The laughing me... The gone me.

I'm done blabbing on, I'm done waking up every morning and putting on a smile so people won't ask questions. I'm done pretending I'm okay, I'm done making myself seem stronger than I am.

Tonight, I'll see my dad and brother again, I'll finally get to be where I belong, by my brothers side, where I'm supposed to be.

And if I don't go to heaven? I'll greet Satan with a big hello, because hell could never come close to what I went through every single day.

So goodbye, I don't think I'll be coming back after this mental breakdown... I really do think this is finally it...

I'll be with you soon Jax... where I belong...

~Cooper