𝐻𝑖𝑠 𝑐𝑢𝑟𝑠𝑒, 𝐻𝑖𝑠 𝑑𝑖𝑠𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑒

~Cold water and rude notes~

Felicity and I were sitting in the library, neither of us were eating but we were fine just talking. "What music do you listen too?"

"Rock." I responded. "Mostly bands like Papa Roach, Pearl Jam, Shinedown, Three days Grace, Highly Suspect, 3 Doors down, Breaking Benjamin, Sick puppies and honestly, I listen to The Goo Goo dolls sometimes."

"I listen to all of them too! My favourite band by far is Shinedown."

"Gotta love Shinedown, favourite song?"

"State of my head." I smiled at Felicity, I really could get along with this girl. We both had the same likes and dislikes, she even watched YouTube like me, same people too. We understood that both of us were bullied, but we both knew there was something we weren't saying. Like me losing my brother and dad but she didn't ask, nor did I.

We were talking, laughing and shouting about a lot of thinks. And for the first time in nearly ten years, I had a smile on my face. A real smile. We were currently talking about the new song from Highly Suspect when a loud bang stopped us. I looked up to see Zeke and his gang standing in front of us, his hands on the table.

"Zeke."

"Does little Cooper have a friend now? Is she blind? Who would want to hang out with you? No one wants you here Cooper, just go kill yourself."

"If I wanted to kill myself, I'd climb your ego and jump to your IQ." I heard a few people snort, trying to hold back their laughter, Zeke glared at them and they shut up quickly. "Wow, how original Cooper, god, you're such a mistake."

"If you wanted to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents." This time people laughed, Zeke didn't pay attention to them as he kicked me where the sun don't shine. I hunched over, my face scrunching up from pain and the urge to vomit. Felicity crouched down beside me, her eyes filled with worry as she looked at me. "Oh look, your little bitch is making sure you're okay." Something inside of me snapped, I don't know what but it caused me to act out. My hand clenched into a fist as I sent it flying into Zeke's jaw. He stumbled back from the sudden impact, his eyes wide from my action. "She isn't my bitch you insensitive prick."

I grabbed my bag and Felicity's hand, walking away from Zeke and his mob. After my rage wore off, panic started to settle in. Fuck. I punched Zeke! If he finds me he- he's going to fucking kill me! "Cooper!" I turned to Felicity, worry and fear over her face. "Are you okay?"

"Y-Yeah. We should get to class, we can't give Zeke a chance to beat me up." Felicity nodded before following me to our next class, music. Probably my second favourite class, in this class I could jam to my music while working on music. I never really wrote music, Hell, I've written one song. That was a long time ago...

In music, I could just get a guitar and play one of the many songs I knew. I could get the chance to listen to more songs, not that I did. Not unless it was rock anyway. Felicity and I sat at the back, no one was in class yet, only the teacher. "Hello Cooper, What are you doing here so early?"

"Just wanted to get to music, Miss." Miss Jennifer was a younger woman in her twenties, she was very laid back and chill. She was my favourite teacher and she just so happens to teach music, my favourite thing. "And who's this?"

"This is Felicity. Felicity, this is Miss Jennifer, I just call her Miss." Felicity stuck her hand out to Miss Jennifer, she took it in a soft handshake. "It's a pleasure to meet you Miss." A smile grew over Miss Jennifer's face as she heard Felicity's Italian accent. "You're from Italy?"

"Yes ma'am, my mama and me moved her not that long ago." Felicity and Miss Jennifer talked until the bell rang, kids started pouring into class. I'm just glad that Zeke nor his friends are in my class. That doesn't stop other people from picking on me.

I was peacefully writing down some song lyrics when I felt something wet get poured over me. I gasped at the coldness of it, the ice cold water running down my shirt. I looked up and saw the Miss wasn't in the room, that would have been the only reason they did this. I looked behind me to see a smug looking girl, she had a smirk over her face as she held an empty bucket. I recognised her immediately, Amy, one of the many sluts that sucks up to Zeke and his group. Aka she's head bitch of the school.

I stood up with a shiver, my now soaking clothes sticking to my skin. The whole class was laughing, not Felicity though. She looked at me with worried eyes as I turned to face the bitch who poured this on me. She looked so proud of herself for pouring water on me in front of the class, what a sad bitch. "Awh, is pour little Cooper cold?" I didn't say anything as I threw my things into my bag, slinging it over my shoulder as I left the room. I could still hear people laughing as I walked out, people were giving that bitch high fives.

I made my way to the boys bathroom, going straight into a stall and changing into one of the sets of clothes I had packed. This is how used to this I was, I packed three sets of spare clothes, a first aid kit and spare lunch money. Sounds cliché but they do take my lunch money, when they feel like it anyway. I got changed, throwing my wet clothes into a plastic bag before leaving the bathrooms. I headed to my locker to put my wet clothes their till the end of the day, the halls were silent as I walked, just the way I liked it.

I got to my locker, punching in the numbers before opening it up. Several notes fell out of my locker, a few razors and even a noose tied rope. I threw my wet clothes in before picking up the notes. My eyes grazed over them, reading the numerous threats and insults.

Just kill yourself.

No one wants you here.

Here's a razor to cut yourself with.

Have a razor, faggot.

Here's a rope to hang yourself with, you lonely ass bitch.

I flicked through the notes, a single tear fell from my eye, landing on the paper in my hands. I skimmed over the rest of the notes before scrunching them up and throwing them in the bin. I picked up the rope and razors, another tear fell as I held them in my hands. I walked over and threw them in the bin, doing my best to cover them up with other trash. I walked back over, slamming the locker shut as one final tear fell before I wiped my watery eyes. I hate crying, I hate it with a passion.

I have nothing against people who cry, nothing at all. It shows they have emotion, that they have feelings. Like if someone cries over losing a friend or relative and they cry, it shows they have feelings, that they miss the person. But I hate myself crying, I hate the feeling. The first time I cried was losing my dad and brother, I hated it. I felt pathetic for crying over something I couldn't change. Again, I have nothing against people crying. When the bullying started, I would cry a lot. I never understood why they hated me, why they felt like they had to make me feel horrible.

I hate crying because, personally, it makes me feel weak. I hate it because if someone sees me cry like Zeke or Amy or even my step-brothers, they can then use that weakness I have, what made me cry, against me. That's why I would always hide, out of sight from others when I cried. It was a rare thing for me to cry in front of someone, but when I did, let's just say all hell would break loose.

When things like this happened, the water, the jokes, the notes, the ropes and razors, it got to me for sure. But I hold everything in, I hold in the tears, the pain. It all builds up and then one night I will crack, the walls I build up crack and flood over. The tears come pouring like fucking Niagara Falls, the physical and mental pain becomes unbearable and I end up hurting myself.

It's been this way for so long, 9 years and six months to be exact.

I'm so fucking sick of it.

But I won't take it far enough to kill myself.

I can't do that to mom...