𝐻𝑖𝑠 𝑐𝑢𝑟𝑠𝑒, 𝐻𝑖𝑠 𝑑𝑖𝑠𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑒

~Cooper's dream~

I sat on my bed, my head in my hands as I could hear Dad and Jax laughing. It's not fair, they both keep having fun and they leave me out, they ignore me when I try to speak and act as though I don't exist.

I stood up, making my way into the living room where they were playing on the Xbox. "Can I play next?" I asked, they didn't respond, they kept making jokes and playing the game.

I walked over, standing in front of the tv. "Cooper! Dude you're in the way of the tv! Move!" Jax shouted at me, I looked at dad with pleading eyes. "Come on Cooper, hop out of the way bud." I lost it, completely lost it.

I pulled the tv from its stand, sending it crashing to the ground. Dad and Jax shouted at me but stopped when I turned to them with tears in my eyes. "I'm so sick of this! You both have been ignoring me and hanging out with each other!"

"We were just spending quality time together!" Jax shouted back. I shook my head angrily, my fist clenching. "Quality time my ass! Spending quality time would be a day! Not two freaking weeks and ignoring your own twin! Everyday I've just wanted to hang with you! To play games like we always do! But instead you go off with dad and completely forget about me!!" I shouted, tears falling down my face. I turned to face dad, my rage building all over again.

"And all I wanted was to spend a bit of time with my dad!! But instead he favourites my brother!! Not caring how his own son is feeling!! LONELY!! Both of you were so distracted by how happy you both were that you didn't notice how upset and lonely I was feeling!! I JUST WANTED SOMEONE TO TALK TO!!" I shouted, I don't know what made me do it but I ran, I ran out of the house and didn't look back.

I was so lost in my rage and sadness that I didn't even know where I was running, I just ran. Rain pelted my face as I ran, blinding my eyes along with the tears. My legs began to ache, my body slowly becoming numb. I tripped over, face planting in some dirt.

I sat up, looking around me. I was at a park, no one was here because of the rain. I went and sat on the park bench, holding me head in my hands as I sobbed. My throat ached from shouting and my head was pounding from the cold that surrounded me.

Why did they ignore me for so long? Did they not like me? Was I that annoying? Maybe I deserved to be ignored... but they could have told me why they didn't want to talk to me...

I sat for hours, letting my thoughts consume me. It was getting dark, but I didn't want to go home. I couldn't face Jax and dad, not after shouting at them. They would hate me now, both of them. I shouldn't have lashed out, I just got mad. I just wanted to hang out with my brother and make jokes with dad but they ignored me.

After what seemed like forever, a car pulled up. I recognised it as moms car. I stood up and walked over to it, getting in the front seat. When I looked over at mom, she had tears falling down her face, her lip trembling. "Mom?"

"I'm so sorry honey, I'm so so sorry but... Dad and Jax are dead." It was like a bullet to the heart, an axe to my head. It was as though my world just stopped, the rain stopped pouring, the world stopped spinning and all colour that once was had gone, leaving a dull grey world.

"W-What happened?"

"They were going out for a drive when a dog jumped in front of the car, your dad swerved and landed in a ditch. They um... they died before the ambulances got there..." Mom said, she started crying all over again.

This is my fault, all of it. It's all my fault.

If I hadn't if lashed out at them, If I hadn't of run away, they wouldn't have come looking for me. If they hadn't of come looking for me, that dog wouldn't have jumped in front of the car. They wouldn't have crashed into that ditch and they wouldn't have died.

It's my fault, if I hadn't of been so self centred, they'd be alive. We'd all be at home eating dinner.

This is all my fault... and now they're gone.

~~

I stood in front of their bodies, looking at their faces, the only thing I was allowed to see. I had tears falling down my face, my head was aching. This was my fault, they're dead because of me.

I stayed with them, silently wishing that it was me there, not them. How much easier would it be if I was there?

*Three days later, at the funeral*

I sat on the chair, watching as mom stood at the front, speaking about dad and Jax. But I didn't listen, I just focused on their caskets.

I just wish that one of them would sit up, would climb out of their casket and tell everyone that they were okay. I wish this was just some sick prank, their way of getting me back for yelling at them.

As time went on, neither one of them sat up, they just lay lifeless. Eventually, it was time to carry them out. All of dad's friends carried him and Jax out towards their new homes, the hole six feet under.

Please just sit up, I thought. But as the caskets were closed and lowered into the ground, realisation finally hit me. They weren't going to wake up, they weren't going to be there when I woke up in the morning. They were really gone, it was because of me. They're really dead, they aren't coming back... ever.

Everyone said something small before leaving, they would pass by me, patting me on the shoulder or giving me a hug. "I'm so sorry Cooper, your father was a great man, your brother was amazing too. It's such a shame"

Only mom and I were left, I knelt down on the ground, looking into both of their new graves. "I want you back... please, come home. I want you guys to come home, please. I don't want to live without you guys, please don't leave me here." I started to sob, holding my head in my hands as I let my tears fall onto the grass beneath me.

I'm never going to get them back, I won't ever get to see them again. No more piggy backs from dad, no more special hot chocolate or good morning pancakes. I wouldn't get to play video games with Jax, no more late night talks, no more running around or our stupid twin telepathy. They were gone... I was alone...

It's all my fault...