starstruck - lrh

twenty.

I didn't sleep much at all.

    I blame that on the fact that my mind seems to always be running no matter how desperately I want it to stop. However, when it starts flowing with ideas for a new song, I'd much rather sacrifice sleep than missing out on an opportunity to put together a new song.

    I shamefully rummaged through Haven's cabinets to find a piece of paper and pen in order to write down everything I was thinking. I feel guilty for doing so but I figured it's better that I was going through her kitchen cabinets, as opposed to anything in her bedroom.

    I spent the night writing down thoughts and then crossing them out before rewriting them. Unfortunately, my writing process is brutal as I'm so hard on myself and can hardly settle with what I put down the first time around.

    It consists of going back, again and again, to either change the wording or change the way it sounds or using different synonyms, really anything. Getting the thoughts down is easy, it's putting them into a song that's the hardest.

I look over the last bit of words I had scribbled down that I've been juggling with for the past ten minutes.

    "Baby I'm sick of sadness and you're sick of Xanax..." I sing the words to myself in fear of waking anyone up as I repeat it a few times to make sure I actually like the sound of it.

    This song is a commitment and I've come to terms with it.

    Putting this out here with the knowledge that Kristen will most likely hear it is what's making me hesitant to really put this all together. I don't want her to think that this song is more than it is. In reality, it's just me putting together lyrics to describe a time in my life.

    Sure some of the lyrics may sound as if it meant more to me than it actually did but that's the beauty of music. It's all about incorporating real thoughts and feelings and also filling it in with whatever you feel sounds right.

The last thing I need is her thinking that I wrote a song for her. Instead, I'm writing a song purely about us and something I went through. Absolutely nothing more and nothing less.

    "We're good at this game, game."

    I tap the beat on my thigh as I run a hand through my hair and am surprised by the fact that I'm not tired. Then again, I hardly remember a time I've gotten a good night's sleep.

    Most of my nights consist of this as my best thoughts come to me late at night. Due to this, my ability to sleep has been absolutely hindered. Sleeping is practically impossible for me as I rely on naps when I'm getting to the point of pure exhaustion. However, I know if I try to lay down at night and sleep my mind will be running at a million miles per hour.

    "You're up early," I hear, which immediately grabs my attention as I look over to see Haven walking in, yawning as she uses the back of her hand to rub her eye.

    I notice she's still wearing my sweatshirt which makes me take in the sight of the sleepy girl who walks into the kitchen with tired eyes and a soft expression.

    "Does it count if I didn't sleep?" I ask, trying to ignore the fact that I'm only in a pair of sweatpants right now, nothing more.

    Haven's eyes immediately widen and I can tell she feels guilty as she hears this. I'm sure she assumes that I couldn't sleep because I had been given the couch but little does she know that it's so much more beyond that.

    "Oh my gosh, you should've told me. I could've let you sleep in my bed and I could've slept on the couch or I could've asked one of the guys to make room or-"