starstruck - lrh

fourty-six.

 Ian didn't get another word in because I stormed off the second the words left his lips.

In fact, I went back to the backstage area, locked the door, and refused anyone entry as I didn't want to talk to anyone or even watch the show because I am beyond myself pissed.

Ian tried to get me to let him come in but I didn't budge as I stared at the door with anger and a million thoughts that probably would make me feel better if I knew the answers to them.

Mostly because I have no idea if I believe the words that left his lips.

How am I supposed to believe someone who approaches me and tells me they're my biological father?

This could easily be a case where he just somehow knew of my shitty family history and is trying to creepily be a part of my life but there's no confirming this until I actually talk to him about it which I'm terrified to do.

Maybe I'm more terrified of it being true.

The idea of finally meeting the person who abandoned me so long ago is incredibly threatening as I don't want to convince myself I owe him the right to be in my life.

After all, he's the one who up and left.

Then again, I've spent so many years longing for the moment that he'd finally reach out to me and I would finally reach the sense of clarity I've needed my whole life. Weirdly enough, now that the possibility is likely that he's finally come around, I'm terrified.

God, I wish Luke wasn't on stage right now.

I can only imagine his eyes are frantically roaming amongst the crowd, desperate to find me, just for me to not be there. I hate it, I hate knowing that I'm probably causing him unnecessary stress as he just wants to put on the best show possible.

However, judging by the sound of the performance, it sounds as if everything is going better than they probably anticipated it to.

Maybe Luke didn't notice that I wasn't out there?

Hell, who am I kidding? Of course he noticed. His eyes always find mine the seconds he comes out on stage and I think he now does it for a sense of relief. It seems as if seeing me in the crowd brings him a comfort that encourages him through the show.

I hate that I wasn't able to do that tonight.

I know the show is coming to a close considering they're on their last song which means I'm going to probably have to come face to face with Ian as he's going to want to talk about what he just said to me. On top of that, I'm sure Luke will want answers regarding my change in demeanor that is nowhere near the same level of energy I had when the show started.

Feeling overwhelmed by this all, I place my hands over my face and try not to get too emotional over this. A million different emotions pulsate through me as I try to stay calm and prepare myself for what's to come.

I know I need to talk to Ian but the thought of it is petrifying.

If Ian is telling the truth and he actually is my biological dad, hell, I don't know how I'm going to take that news.

My dad abandoned me so long ago to the point where I knew nothing of him. My mom never showed me pictures and never allowed me the opportunity to know anything of him. If this is the point in my life where I finally come face-to-face with my dad, I can't say I'm prepared to accept this.

Because of him abandoning me, I got stuck with a monster like Chris who led me to be insecure in my confidence and feel as if I can't say no. Chris truly was my worst nightmare and if Ian really is my dad and he just up and left like a coward, I'm not sure I want much to do with him at all.