NUR DIE SGE

You were my life but life is far away from fair (Jan/Lukas)

You were my life but life is far away from fair

Jan doesn't know why he came. He couldn't say no of course, but to attend the film's premiere, when he makes cameos at most, and Lukas is also present when they haven't seen each other for months, it's unfair. He wants to see him again, but not like that, not so that they split up right after. Not for him to feel him against him again, but there is nothing he can do to make sure he's well and that he's happy in Leverkusen. He doesn't want to talk about the rain and the good weather, have a beer and let him go right after. He wants to see his Lukas, not the goalkeeper of the opposing team. Jan hides everything he can think of when Lukas hugs him, he doesn't want to spoil the evening for him, he doesn't want to make him leave again too quickly.

When the premiere ends, Jan doesn't want Lukas to go home unexpectedly on the train, or find a hotel in the middle of the night. He brings him home, as when they had just returned from Berlin, as when Lukas had just finished his contract with Frankfurt, as when they were going to see each other for the last time before the comeback of the Bundesliga. Jan doesn't want to torture himself with his memories, but he can't forget either, he will never be able to forget. He needed Lukas and he went on other adventures without him elsewhere. Far. Too far. Jan is biting his bottom lip, he can't hold it against him, his career should not be excused. Jan isn't important in Lukas' life, so he shouldn't blame him for his choices. Even if he and Lukas slept together before the Finn left him in remorse. He can't hold it against him.

And even if he knows that he must not let him do it, Jan accepts that Lukas sleeps one last time with him, he accepts to feel his lips on his one last time, he accepts to feel him in him one last time. He doesn't even know if it won't start again afterwards, because Jan would do anything to get Lukas back. So maybe they'll never do it again, but if the opportunity arises, Jan will accept over and over again, because he can't get away from the Finn. Lukas isn't toxic to him. It's worse. Lukas is his reason for living, and letting him go is like letting himself die. He is empty without him. When Jan wakes up the next day, with a note on the bedside table, he understands. He doesn't accept but he understands. He cries on his pillow, but he understands. And no matter how many times Lukas does this to him, Jan will agree to let him in, and he will let him go as if they were just friends afterwards. He understands. It's unfair.

The End