Vanitas × Noé

Giving up

Noé was quiet as they trudged home. Not that him being quiet was unexpected considering the circumstances but still... Vanitas risked a quick glance up at Noé's face. He didn't look sad or angry or any of the things Vanitas had expected - hoped - for. It was just blank.

Vanitas could have dealt with an outburst of emotion even if Noé had directed it at him. But to be presented with nothing left him stumbling over himself. He wasn't sure what to say, if there was anything he could say, to put things right. Before Vanitas realised it they were back at the hotel, brought back to reality by Amelia greeting them cheerfully. He wondered if he had looked as utterly empty as Noé did when he had spaced out.

They arrived in their room and Vanitas stood and watched as Noé removed his coat, folding it neatly in an uncharacteristic manner, before slumping heavily onto his bed. Not once did that damned blankness on Noé's face falter. Vanitas knew he also had a tendency to just shut down sometimes but coming from Noé it was unnerving. Noé was blunt and open, even about painful things, yet here he was retreating into a shell Vanitas didn't even know he had.

"Hey," Vanitas said, and it didn't come out as harsh or commanding as he had intended. "This kind of thing is unavoidable."

Noé turned his head and those dull eyes of his bore in Vanitas's. "If this is unavoidable then what's the point?"

"Huh? You giving up or something?"

Noé sat in silence for so long Vanitas was afraid the conversation was already over. But, after opening and closing his mouth a few times, contemplating something Noé answered. "I might be."

Rage flared up inside Vanitas and it took a great effort to tamp it down and keep from yelling at Noé. He wanted to be calm, but even so a little of the anger leaked into his voice, "you're free to go home then. I can handle this all myself."

"That's probably for the best."

Just like that the anger flared up again, this time mixed with something suspiciously like hurt. Vanitas stormed over to Noé and grabbed him by the collar, "you aren't being serious with me right now. Sure, you're upset, but you don't get to do this."

"It just feels so... pointless."

"You've seen this happen before. I can't save everyone, you can't expect that from me."

"I thought that if it was the two of us we could do anything."

Vanitas shook Noé with the hand still clutching his shirt, "What the hell!? Are you saying none of this matters if we can't do it perfectly all the time? You think none of the vampires we've saved matter because of one failure? Get a grip Noé."

Noé grabbed the hand on his collar and yanked it off, "if we can't save everyone there's no guarantee that I'll be able to do something when it really matters. Someone I care about could die and I'll be just as helpless as I was back then!"

"Back then? Wh- Never mind. Look, I can't dispute what you just said. People die and sometimes you can't do anything about that. But I promise you I'll never let anyone die if I have the power to save them. With you as my shield I've managed things I never could have before so please don't give up. Trying and failing is better than not trying at all. This will sound harsh but if you choose to do nothing because you're afraid of failure their blood is on your hands, if you did everything you could and still failed then there's no use worrying about it."

"Vanitas, how do I know there isn't more I could have done? There's always things I could have done differently."

"There's no way of knowing that. If you acted on your best judgement with the knowledge you had at the time then no one can blame you if things didn't work out. The intent behind your actions is just as important as the actions themselves."

"I still -" Noé hesitated. "I still feel so empty though."

Vanitas sighed before wrapping his arms around Noé in a hug that he hoped would never be brought up again. "There's nothing wrong with that. Feel however you like, just make sure to get back up again afterwards. With how dangerous things have been lately I probably need you around to help me."

---------------------------------------------------------

I just wanted a bit of Noé angst. Besides, I'm in a weird mood from a heavy conversation I had with my friend so the emotions behind this are loosely based on that. I suppose that means I'm using vanoe to vent? Lmao